it's back

I've recently felt the magic come back in to my mothering.  It was a tough go for a while there.  I can't believe not so long ago I naively thought to my self, "I am so good at this, being a mother is so easy."  Queue the humility cycle.

Hah. Hah.  Oh the things I've learned in the past 10 months about my self and my children and my limits and relying on God in it all.  

I made a promise to my self a couple of weeks ago that I would never raise my voice at my children again.  I had gotten in to a nasty terrible habit of using that to get those sweet little people to do what I wanted.  But then a thought, I believe a divine thought, came in to my heart and my mind, "they are children, they are learning and everyday they are figuring it out just like you. Be patient and show love."  So I prayed for forgiveness and got to work on my self and my tone and attitude towards my sweet babies. 

Don't get me wrong nothing too extreme was going on I just didn't like the style of communication I had gotten in to.  I believe wholeheartedly my babies deserve the best...my best.  And sometimes that is hard when I've only had 5 hours of sleep due to my wonderfully demanding calling.  I've had to call on the Lord a lot. "Heavenly Father I am really trying my best, please send help. Help me to extend beyond my present capabilities today.  I'm so tired and my babies need me.  Please help me to somehow have the energy for them and do everything I need to do today."

And as I've reached out I've felt that help come.  I've felt myself grow in ways that I know have not been my own except by asking so desperately for it and receiving that divine help. 

I've lingered more.  I've read an extra book.  I've said longer prayers at night by Evie's bedside.  I've picked Avett up out of his crib and swayed in his dark room to the sweet smell of lavender oil diffusing close by.  Ive taken moments to teach.  I've spoken softer, kinder, sweeter.  I've snuggled.  I've played.  I've laughed.  I've said yes more.  

And truly all of this feels more like me, more like us, more like the life we are supposed to all be living together. So we will just keep on, we will keep on making mistakes and then correcting them.  We will keep on learning how to live this beautiful life we've been given. 


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