just some time

Several times tonight before we went upstairs to bed Evaleigh told me, "Mom, I just want to spend some time with you."  It was the sweetest request that I couldn't wait to fulfill. 

So we went upstairs after family prayer, which was the usual struggle of Avett whining that he wanted to pray as soon as Evie started to pray.  I am glad they love to pray so I suppose it's a good problem to have.  John put Avett to bed while and Evie and I laughed and snuggled and played and read books for a good 45 minutes.  I sat her on my lap and told her NOT to laugh, which of course was impossible.  She would say it to me and then we would bust out laughing.  

I loved every second of it.  It's easy to hurry through the last parts of the day, especially on the days when bed time is a welcomed time.  I know I tend to do that often but tonight was different and I loved it.  

She loves to say, "Mom can I tell you a whisper?" Then she leans up close and whispers in my ear, "I love you, you are the best mom ever you silly pot."  There's just nothing in the world like having a daughter.

the rewards

I love spending my days with them. I'm doing a job that is hard and exhausting and busy.  There are times when I question every little thing I am doing as a mom and I wonder if I'm already messing them up.  And then there are moments that sneak up on me and surprise me and give me the encouragement that I'm actually doing a pretty darn good job.

A few things lately that have touched my heart:

-Evaleigh wants to sing Avett a song before bed every night, she always chooses I am a Child of God and she knows every word.  She stands by his bed side and softly strokes his head.  She refuses to let me sing along.

-Avett has gotten particularly great at sharing.  If there is a conflict for the most part all I have to do is ask the kids to have "a conversation" about it and then they work it out.  Avett is such a humble little guy he is usually the one to give in and make peace.

-Evaleigh loves to "give service" around the house.  Today I told her she could help me do laundry and I left to go to the bathroom.  When I came back to the living room she had carried all of the clean laundry from the laundry room and piled it on the floor.  She loves to remind me with a huge smile and wide bright eyes, "Mom! Thats giving service!"

-Both of my children are loving and affectionate.  They love to hug and kiss and Evie loves to ask to tell me a whisper.  Usually it is, "I love you." Or "You are a sweet mom."

I'm honored to get to do this job and I'm so thankful for the times these kids make me laugh or feel proud.  It's such a reward for all of the hard times.  

it's back

I've recently felt the magic come back in to my mothering.  It was a tough go for a while there.  I can't believe not so long ago I naively thought to my self, "I am so good at this, being a mother is so easy."  Queue the humility cycle.

Hah. Hah.  Oh the things I've learned in the past 10 months about my self and my children and my limits and relying on God in it all.  

I made a promise to my self a couple of weeks ago that I would never raise my voice at my children again.  I had gotten in to a nasty terrible habit of using that to get those sweet little people to do what I wanted.  But then a thought, I believe a divine thought, came in to my heart and my mind, "they are children, they are learning and everyday they are figuring it out just like you. Be patient and show love."  So I prayed for forgiveness and got to work on my self and my tone and attitude towards my sweet babies. 

Don't get me wrong nothing too extreme was going on I just didn't like the style of communication I had gotten in to.  I believe wholeheartedly my babies deserve the best...my best.  And sometimes that is hard when I've only had 5 hours of sleep due to my wonderfully demanding calling.  I've had to call on the Lord a lot. "Heavenly Father I am really trying my best, please send help. Help me to extend beyond my present capabilities today.  I'm so tired and my babies need me.  Please help me to somehow have the energy for them and do everything I need to do today."

And as I've reached out I've felt that help come.  I've felt myself grow in ways that I know have not been my own except by asking so desperately for it and receiving that divine help. 

I've lingered more.  I've read an extra book.  I've said longer prayers at night by Evie's bedside.  I've picked Avett up out of his crib and swayed in his dark room to the sweet smell of lavender oil diffusing close by.  Ive taken moments to teach.  I've spoken softer, kinder, sweeter.  I've snuggled.  I've played.  I've laughed.  I've said yes more.  

And truly all of this feels more like me, more like us, more like the life we are supposed to all be living together. So we will just keep on, we will keep on making mistakes and then correcting them.  We will keep on learning how to live this beautiful life we've been given. 

new schedules and happy babies

Today was a perfect day. Truly.  John Murphy and I have come up with a new family schedule that I am very excited about.  I've had such a hard time keeping up with this big house and two crazy kids who love to make messes faster than I can clean them.  

So after an excellent conversation we came up with a plan that is just going to be amazing.  When John comes home from class we feed the kids lunch together and then he takes over with the kids until their nap time.  It gives me time to clean, do chores, catch up on emails and seminary stuff, write music, and study my scriptures or whatever I need to do.

I am realizing how important it is for me to have regular uninterrupted daytime time to do things that I want and need to do. I've never really asked for consistent time like this but I can tell it is going to be such a life changer for me. Today was one of our first days on our new schedule idea and I was more productive in the 4 hours I had today than I am in 2-3 days combined! It was such a breath of fresh air to turn on some music and get to work in the house while john had the kids and then when they were napping I studied a talk for seminary and got so much done. 

I crave productivity.  I grew up on to do lists and goals, something my father engrained in me, and I am so thankful for those abilities he encouraged me to make a part of my life. Being a mother with young children has changed things in the realms of productivity every day.  Progress looks different than what it used to because my progress comes in my children. It comes in the things I am teaching them, in them grasping concepts and manners and routines.  It comes when they say prayers on their own and they throw away their trash or take a dish to the sink without being asked.  Right now a lot of my daily progress is wrapped up in the incessant task of teaching and caring for my babies.

But I am learning how important and fulfilling it is for me to be able to make time and do both of the things I am talking about.  

This past week john have me a beautiful blessing as I was feeling so overwhelmed by motherhood and they way that I respond to it sometimes. I am so grateful that he talks to me about it and that we make decisions together on how to improve our home lives and personal lives.  I am grateful for his support in everything I set my heart out to do.

I've been writing a lot of music lately and it feels so good.

Anyway, today was wonderful.  Because I knew I would have a chunk of hours to do what I needed to do I let all of that go until it was time after lunch and I spent the whole morning playing with my babies instead of trying to do things here and there.  They were so much happier and so was I! 

I'm just so excited for what is to come, life is good. 

6 month tunnel

The is a moment in the morning when I get Avett out of his crib with a cup of "ca-chit milk" ready to go.  He asks for me to grab all three of his blankies out of the crib with grunts and points and then I wrap him up in my arms. I go downstairs, usually to the soundtrack of Evaleigh's many questions which have already started, and I flop down in the blue rocking chair recliner.  I stare in to his beautiful eyes and stroke his hair and for a moment we snuggle like we used to when he was so little.  It's one of the calmer moments of the day.  

I find a lot of peace in the moment and I try to savor it just a bit more because I know what lies ahead.  Avett is not exactly what I'd call an easy child.  I adore and love him endlessly but the past 6 months he has tested my patience in motherhood in ways that have driven me to the edge of my limits. It has taken me to my knees in prayer many times since and the answer I get almost every time is, "just be there for him."  It is easy to get caught up in the tasks of the day and when he is wailing at my knees and pushing me as hard as he can away from dinner or laundry or lunch it is so challenging for me to find that balance. 

While I finally feel like I am seeing some light at the end of the six month long tunnel there are still moments when he is just inconsolable. I am glad however that they have moved from days to moments.  I've never been able to figure out exactly a method with him that is dependable.  I just don't remember Evaleigh being this difficult. It is frustrating as his mom not to have the answers all of the time. 

I know I am supposed to be learning a lesson from all of this.  And I just hope that whatever it is that I am actually learning it and changing the way that God wants me to. I feel like He has been molding me with this trial of the last 6 months with Avett.  I want to grow and I want to be stretched and changed for the better and for certain that is what my children help me to do.  

/////

Well I'm off to clean up from the day and rearrange the living room while John Murphy studies for his Finance test tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a quiet lonesome night with some music and my thoughts. 

open statement to extreme couponers

An open statement to extreme couponers: if you are going to take 15+ minutes to checkout and you see a struggling mom with two crazy kids whiz in behind you, kindly let her know that you might be a little while.  It will be much appreciated.  Seriously. 

Today we were 'that' family.  You know the one you look at and think to yourself, "can't that mother control her children?!" It was mortifying.  I don't know what it was but they turned in to little monsters right as we got in to the grocery store. I've literally never whizzed through the store so fast before in sheer desperation.  

The meltdown was in full blown glory and in my oblivious state of course I get behind the extreme couponer. 

I've literally never seen someone with this many coupons.  I mean she deserves some credit that she saved $110 on her grocery bill but, for the love, I would have loved to know that she was going to nit pick every other 3rd coupon.  

As frazzled as I was we were in straight survival mode.  Avett was hungry so he kept grabbing items off of the conveyer belt.  But half of them were glass.  The last thing I wanted was the glass jar of yeast to go plummeting to the ground.  So it ticked him off he couldn't hold it and it was the only thing he wanted.  Then he was squealing to get down out of the cart.  

Of course every time he screamed Evaleigh cried that it was 'hurting her ears.'  She was so fussy and so difficult I started twitching.  I'm typically an extremely patient person.  But with the combo of my crazy kids and the extreme couponer I was at the steam coming out of my ears level.  Had I known the time it would all have taken I would have gladly gone to a different aisle.  

The woman in front of me never said a word although she was clearly aware of the meltdown behind her.  After we finished our checkout I dashed as quickly to the car as I could while scourering the parking lot for this woman.

I had a plan to calmly and kindly give her my above tip.  She was obviously much faster at puting her groceries in the car than she was at paying for them. 

Please forgive my snarkiness, it's not like me to get so upset.  So, I'm going to go grab my Trader Joes chocolates and sit in the fetal position on the couch until my kids are up from their naps.

*****

(The above picture was taken earlier in the day at Trader Joes which was quite the lovely stop.  Even though they didn't have my coconut chips.)

bubble

I love my life as a stay at home mom. We live in a little bubble here and our days are slow and sometimes quiet. We keep to ourselves most of the time since John and I share one car and he is at school during the days. 

Evaleigh spends a lot of time doing puzzles and coloring while Avett goes around making a lot of messes. Sometimes at the end of the day it can be frustrating but I wouldn't have it any other way.  We are constantly rotating between the living room the kitchen and jumping off the bunkbeds in the basement. 

With the weather cold now we don't spend as much time outside as we would like but I'm looking forward to warmer weather so we can live outside again.  I never thought I would say I look forward to summer.  But here I am in January looking forward to making water bubbles and playing outside in diapers and undies. 

Of course there are hard things too, I'm really struggling with Avett wanting to be at my feet all of the time he's pretty fussy sometimes.  It can be quite wearing on my nerves. But then I remember that he'll only be this little for so much longer. Parenting is such a roller coaster.

I really cherish this time when we are quite untouched by the outside world, all we do is hang out with each other all day long. And I love it.

nothing like the first

Yesterday Evaleigh took an usually early nap.  By 4pm when her brother was on his 3rd nap she requested another one too.  So up to her room we went with choclate milk in hand and her favorite toy for the day, one of my old cabbage patch dolls.  She asked me to sit in the chair while she laid down and I held her hand through the bed railings.  After a while she looked back up at me with a huge smile on her face and I knew nap number two was not going to happen.

So I just climbed straight in to that toddler bed with her.  She was so excited to have me in there she scooted right over to share her blanket and pillow.  She started talking a mile a minute.  I love to hear the things that come out of her mouth.  "How is your day going?"  "Will you help me put my baby bunny to sleep?" "Do you see my hands?"  And then feeding me imaginary apples.  

We lay there in that tiny space all crammed up together, our bodies intertwined, chatting, giggling, and wiggling. For a moment I could remember what it felt like to have her little growing body inside of mine.  Her movements now even feel familiar to how they were then.  

About a week ago she and I were taking a shower together upstairs.  My mind raced back to when I was pregant with her.  I was still pretty early on, maybe 16 weeks or so.  I was standing in that same shower proudly letting the water run over my very small pregnant belly and it was the first time I remember feeling a distinct connection with her.  Then in that present moment to have her little two and a half year old body at my feet was such an interesting measure of time.  It was like I blinked and there we were.  

Lately I've read stories or come across women who have lost children.   I can't fathom the pain of it.  As I was curled up in the bed with Evaleigh yesterday I reveled in the bumps and knocks and hits my body would take.  To loose a child, I imagine my body would feel like it does after you've been in the ocean all day, when you go to bed at night your body still holds the memory of those ocean waves rolling over you.  I would crave those hits and jabs and hugs and tuggings and pullings.  My body has grown accustomed to their's.  I know my body would remember it.

Yesterday I was reminded that there is nothing like your first child.  I loved laying there with just her.  But there is also nothing like a second child.  And someday there will be nothing like a third or any that come after.

the mark

Before I met John I was in the process of trying to put my mission papers in, for the second time (that's a story for another day).  I was also contemplating a masters program or trying to do some vocal studies overseas and pursuing an operatic career.  I had spent years and years of study in classical singing.  I had performed in countless operas and opera scenes, concerts, and recitals.  I performed in Atlanta, Boston, LA and Miami.  I even had the chance to sing on NPR when I was younger.  In my heart i'd like to think I was headed for something great.  I loved to sing, I was good at it, and it did something for my soul that nothing else could.

Getting married and starting a family was the last thing on my mind, I simply wasn't interested in it at that point in time.  I knew it would eventually happen for me but I wanted to go out in to the world and make my mark somehow.  

Then John Murphy came along and blindsided me and showed me all of the things I never knew I wanted and needed.  We got married, had a lot of fun, and a year later we found out we were pregnant with Evaleigh.  A year after she was born Avett was on his way.  

I've never once looked back at this life I was given. This life full of failed naptimes, temper tantrums, unexplainable diaper situations, crying, irrational requests, unwillingness to share, hurt feelings and eternal messes. It's also a life full of watching little people discover something for the first time and feeling pride for them in that moment.  A life of reaching out to hold Johns hand in the car when both of our babies are finally asleep on a journey home, and in that moment when I see him smiling back at me there is a sense of it all being right in our world.  A life of being beaten up and crawled all over just the moment I've laid down on the floor for a moments rest only to burst in to laughter because Evie is giving me raspberries on my belly and Avett is pulling incessantly at my hair.  

The three people who have made me a wife and mother have filled all of the inches I have inside of my heart right now. 

Just last Thursday I started jotting down my very first bucket list.   There are a lot of moments in my life where I get overwhelmed with all of the different things that I want to do and be.  But I've figured that the best thing I can do with my life now is raise up good and kind hearted people while loving my husband through it all.

That's sure to leave the mark I so craved before.  

colorful forks

My life is full of colorful spoons and forks and plastic dinnerware.   It is full of snack time, naptime, bath time, and outside time. It revolves around feeding little people by breast or bib or high chairs and many nights with my toddler on foot doing a 'run by eating'. 

The other day I was remembering when Evaleigh was only a few months old, maybe 3 or 4.  I was reminiscing about something I said to John.  It went something like this, "Wow, being a mom is so easy.  I mean, we are like really good at this whole parent thing.  We should probably have at least 10 more of these."  

Then some time passed and stages came and went.  There was separation anxiety and cry-it-out and napping troubles and sickness.  And then another baby came along and there was reflux and teething and sharing and tantrums and all sorts of things.  Now I say,  "Wow, being a mom is really hard.  We are constantly learning and trying to do the next day better than the one before."  I feel wiser and a bit more experienced and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself and these little people in the past 2 years and 4 months I've been at this.   I know there's so much more on the horizon to learn and I can wait for it but I look forward to it.

Tonight I put Evie to bed and she requested 1 song which turned in to 3, about 5 long hugs, and 7 long kisses.  Avett is just the best and loves to attack my face and pull my hair out.

Being a mother to my two babies is the coolest thing I've ever been a part of.  They love me and they need me and I need them. 

A very Happy 3rd Mothers Day to me indeed.

another day

There was nothing really special about today. 

I think that's what made it special to me.  It was just another day.  A day full of giggles and tears and requests and wardrobe changes and messes.

I pulled Avett in to bed to nurse around 6:30.  About 10 minutes later after dozing back off we awoke to Evaleigh crying for her daddy.  John sleepily got out of bed and pulled on some sweat pants in the dark.  I love hearing him tell her good morning on the monitor.  A few minutes later he returned to let me know she had soaked through her jammies and that we needed dry clothes for her.  I drifted back off to sleep and Avett and I woke back up around 7:45.  We got to snuggle and smile at each other in the morning light and a diaper change is in order.  I go to join John and Evaleigh and I find them curled up on the couch and Parker is also snuggled up under Johns other arm while they all watch Frozen.

I take my chance and start lunch prep while the kids are occupied and Avett is happy.  Boil vegetable pulp.  Chop carrots and celery.  Grill chicken.  

Meanwhile Evie wants milk.  

Bekah and I get ready to go to excersize and I realize I have a huge hole in my leggings so I have to change and put on 3 sports bras.  I realize the sports bras were all a bit premature because I have to feed Avett before we go.  He eats and then his eyes get heavy and there is a successful transfer to the pack and play. Thank goodness.

Off we go.  Zumba was fun.  I felt silly but it was fun.   When we get back home I am excited to see the kids and John is bouncing Avett on the ball.  I finish throwing the soup together for lunch and I put it on to boil.  

I shower and it's time to nurse Avett again. He is so ready to eat and squeals with impatience.  It's pretty cute.  Meanwhile Evaleigh is falling asleep drinking her milk on the couch while tugging on her ear like she always does.  I text John for help in the other room, as he has gone back to work after so sweetly watching the kids all morning.  He scoops her up and takes her back for a nap.  She cries as he carries her down the hall and after a few minutes he tries to leave the room but the creaky wooden floors wakes her. So it takes another attempt and then she is out. 

We all eat lunch.  The soup is good. I finally get Avett down for his second nap and just as I do Evie is up from her nap.  She is clearly not ready and asks to lay back down.  So I sit in the rocking chair in the room and she keeps closing and opening her eyes to peek at me.  5 minutes pass and she is ready to come out.  I feed her chicken and carrots and she wants me to feed a stuffed animal puppy too. 

While the boys are asleep Rebekah, Kate, Evie, and I all share a sweet girls moment.  She keeps saying "I miss you Kate, I love you Kate."  Kate smiles at all of us crowed around her on the ottoman.  Evaleigh says phrases and sentences I've never heard her day before,  "did ya ek-er-size yet?"  She has a long conversation with Bekah about the boo-boo on her finger and she shows a lot of concern.  She asks her all sorts of questions and I just sit there in amazement learning about my girl and bewildered at all of the things she knows.  There is nothing but bright eyes and a smile on my face.

Avett wakes and he burrows in to my neck and he feels so right right there.  Ashlyn comes over and she and Bek stay inside while I play with the toddlers on the trampoline outside.   Evaleigh is not interested in sharing the trampoline with Parker and we battle that on and off for at least 30 minutes.  At some point John comes running outside and jumps on the trampoline and we get so excited that he is finally done with work for the day!  Evaleigh asks him to get off.  Ashlyn eats some of my soup and she says it's the best soup she's ever had, it makes me feel like a million bucks.

Some time passes and it's yet again nursing time for the boy.  We go back in to the guest room and I prop myself up on a pile of pillows.  The fan is blowing hard and it pushes an unruly curl across my forehead over and over.  Evaleigh comes in to join us and spies a dress I have packed for her.  She wants to wear it so bad so I try to change her one handed while I keep nursing Avett.  I look down at him and know that this moment is simple and mundane but that someday I'll think of it and it will be one of my favorites.

More playing.   Dragging Evie around the hard wood floors on a towel and she loves it.   Dinner time.  Egg salad wraps, Evaleigh helps me put in the pepper and salt while sitting up on the island.  Bed time.  Family prayer by her bedside, it's my turn tonight. 

And here I am, at the end of another normal day. Oh so tired and oh so happy.

good one

I cry a lot these days.  They are mostly all happy tears.  I can't imagine the day when I won't have babies in my arms and loads of tiny socks and burp clothes to wash.  I don't want those days to ever come.  All I want to do is be a good mother to my babies (with maybe a nap every once in a while.) There are so many moments when I pause to stop what I am doing because I am just so overwhelmed with how wonderfully full and busy and happy our life is right now.  I don't know how I am so fortunate to have two beautiful babies and a caring husband.  It is certainly not because of anything I did right.  I know I've made plenty of mistakes and all I can imagine is that it's because my Heavenly Father loves me so much.  

This life is a good one.

the gang

Two nights ago I ended the day in a crumpled mess of a woman eating Fun Dip and Reese's curled up in the fetal position on the couch.

The details of how I got there are a little hazy.  But I remember lots of crying, unbelievable amounts of spit up and poop...just a whole lot of poop.  It was one of those days where I ambitiously had two things on my to do list and only one of them got done. Nothing about the day involved a shower or a change out of pajamas and I kept the same pony tail in all day that I had slept in the night before.  There's nothing like the walk of shame in your own house all day long.  I don't recall if I even had a toilet break.  My darling children conspired against me and the day gave me an eye-twitch that may not ever go away. When my husband walked in the door from work I'm sure he looked at me in a squinting fashion and said, "Darling is that you?"

Like I said, I don't remember much but I do remember tears and poop, and also not a lot of napping.  There was a moment at the end of the day where a meltdown from my almost two year old was happening because for the life of her she didn't understand why she couldn't have marshmallows for dinner.  Avett was crying for a good 30 minutes because...well he's a baby and babies cry.  My ears were ringing and I was trying to feed Evaleigh who had gone on an eating strike until marshmallows became available with one hand while vigourously bouncing Avett with the other. Everything came to a head and I just let out a high pitched operatic note. I needed a release. Sporadic opera notes are a normal in our house and I thought it was a good idea because hey, it wasn't yelling, but no...in the insanity of the moment it only made Evie cry harder.  

It was that moment that I realized that the hardest part of this job is showing patience and letting the children think you have it under control.  

Even when on the inside you are thinking, "OH MY GOSH WHY ALL OF THE IRRATIONAL CRYING?? STOP STOP STOP!" or "NO I CANT HOLD ERNIE AND YOUR PLASTIC HORSE RIGHT NOW IM NURSING YOUR BROTHER!" or "CAN I PLEASE POOP IN PEACE JUST ONCE...ONCE!"

Motherhood is a tricky thing.  It is easily the hardest and most wonderful job in the world.  Most of the time it is a big old guessing game.  I would say that for me in moments like that it is a battle of patience and keeping my cool.  

These little people that take all of our time and energy have so much to teach us if we let them.  They have the capability of helping us to become our best selves.  

I've realized that the best thing we can do when the crazy is breaking out is to respond to them with the opposite emotion.  When they are selfish we need to respond with selflessness, when they are impatient we need to give them patience, when they are irrational we need to be the one to show understanding and compassion.  This is a stretch for most of us and it's a hard thing to do when our initial reactions aren't so naturally good.  Children test our deepest patience.  But I've learned that when I react in the kindest way and exercise my restraint and tolerance I feel so good about myself as a mother.  I love my two little people more than anything because they do push me to want to be a better person in the most profound way possible.  

So, here's to reigning in the crazy,  maybe one night saying, "I understand that marshmallows are a magically delicious thing, of course you can have them for dinner!", sucking up the eye twitch, and giving our babies our best.  Here's to understanding we will rise from the ashes of the day.  The sun will set and rise again and the next day we will have the chance to do it all over again. 

Hopefully better than the day before.

(A thanks to my husband who brought home the fun dip and Reese's, ordered me to have a long hot shower, and gave me a foot rub at the end of the night.  You da best.)

extra time and chin hairs

We are still waiting for Avett to make his entrance in to the world!

  While this waiting has been a test of my patience it has also given me the gift of extra time with Evie.  We have had the best past week together.  We have been on dates just the two of us to The Flying Biscuit, we have painted fingernails more times than I can count, we've taken a lot of bubble baths together, we've gone to visit lots of people we love, and we have spent a lot of time out on our front porch feeling the fall breeze.  While I'm getting anxious to meet our little boy I am so grateful for the perfect week I've had with just my girl.  She will always be my first baby and I'll always cherish the memories of our times together.

This waiting has also given John and I some extra time to kill.  We've watched Jimmy Fallon clips, thrown pillows at eachother from across the room, and he's even plucked my two chin hairs so that I'm presentable for the delivery room.   Last night after work he brought home the BEST Chinese takeout I've ever had.  He ordered things extra spicy in hopes of moving things along. On the way home he called me and said he had a surprise that he just couldn't wait to tell me about.   

Back story: our first fall together when we were newlyweds we consumed about 30 gallons of New York Style Pumpkin Cheesecake Icecream.  We would watch Lost and Office marathons in our tiny apartment at Woodcreek and make out during the Verizon commercial we hated.  Somehow we have missed this ice cream for the past two fall seasons.  We've been everywhere looking for it but with no success.   

So when Mr Murphy called last night with that undeniable excitement brimming on his voice I knew it could only be one thing: New York Style Pumpkin Cheesecake Icecream.  The heavens opened and angels sang.  It was better than I even remembered it.  Last night was awesome.  

Any suggestions of things to do while waiting for a very tardy baby?

am I ready

As I lay in my bed with a few tears falling from my eyes trying to get a nap, Evaleigh is sleeping in the next room.  I just finished singing her to sleep, like I do every day, and I had a twinge in my heart.  I've been so caught up in wanting Avett to come lately.  Naturally with my body so pregnant I am constantly aware that he could come at any moment.  But as I sat in her nursery this morning I thought to myself, "Am I ready? Have I done everything with just her that I want to do?"  I can feel the change coming and somehow a little guilt has entered my mama heart.  I want to always remember the times when it was just the two of us.  I hope she knows how much being her mother has changed my life, my soul, and the very strands of my being for the absolute better.  What we have had and shared the past 20 and a half months has been the most lifting and fulfilling experience.  I am really happy to meet Avett and to bring him in to our family and I've been told that it only gets sweeter and sweeter, but today I enjoyed watching her fall asleep to the sound of my voice while knowing that she was my only care in the world.

birth...

*This is a sensitive topic for me just because of how incredibly personal it is.  However, I feel the desire to document each step of this pregnancy journey.  So, I proceed to describe my feelings on this subject as tenderly and honestly as possible.*

As some of you know, who have been long time readers of this blog, I really struggled with the way things progressed with my birthing process with Evaleigh.  I had always desired a natural birthing experience and when I was faced with a c-section, due to her breech presentation, I was devastated.  A big part of me felt like I was missing out on an earthly physical experience that I knew my body was capable of.  I felt confused and frustrated with the pressure of making the decision about what to do with Evie's birth but ultimately decided to have the c-section after countless attempts to turn her.

Looking back on my c-section experience I have very little complaint.  It was truly a sweet experience, my recovery was really a breeze, and after all Evaleigh Joy was born healthy.  Its hard to have regrets about how the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you came about. So for that, I will confidently say that I would change nothing about how Evaleigh came in to this world.

But that didn't mean that I haven't been incredibly desirous to change this birthing experience with Avett.  I recently had a friend tell me this, "I think every woman needs something different to make her birth experience special, I feel every mother deserves to look back on the birth of her child and say the entire experience was a blessing and a miracle, not just "at least my baby was healthy."  It is for this reason that the idea of trying for a VBAC has not left my mind for a single day since I found out I was pregnant on February 8th.  

For the most part of this pregnancy John and I planned on a repeat c-section.  I did this reluctantly but mostly ill-informed.  First let me say that I adore my OB.  I mean, I want to have her over to my house and cook her dinner and talk for hours and be her best friend.  But I knew something wasn't right when she first began telling me that she would not do a VBAC and described the risks involved.  They seemed dramatic and somewhat like a scare tactic.  I trusted her and have for over 2 years.  But there was a little voice in my head telling me to look further and do some research on my own.  At the end of one of my first appointments with this pregnancy she gave me the number for a doctor in Atlanta who does VBAC's and said that I would have her blessing if in my heart I did feel like a VBAC was something I needed to do.

It took me 5 months to summon the courage to contact that doctor.  When I finally did she informed me that she no longer practiced privately in ATL but gave me 3 other referrals.  After that it took another 2 weeks to get the courage to contact them.  I set up one appointment for this past Monday and with a blessing from my husband combined with many prayers I hoped I would know what to do.

When Monday arrived I felt like it was the first day of school and I was the new kid.  Part of me felt like I was cheating on my OB but the stronger part of me knew that if I didn't do this I would really be cheating myself. 

When I walked in to that doctors office a feeling of peace immediately washed over my body.  I looked through a book on the table full of pictures patients had sent of their newborn babies and notes they had written to the doctor about how amazing he was and how much he inspired them and changed their lives.  Tears filled my eyes.  When I finally met with the doctor it was an instant click.  He treated me like I was the only pregnant woman in the world and spent time answering every single one of my questions.  There were so many things he told me that were reassuring.  He said that with VBACS he does not induce, he will not use pitocin, he wants me to labor moving around and standing or walking for as long as I can.  He wants me to try to get to a 6 or 7 with no drug intervention.  He suggested Bradley and Hypnobirthing.  Then he had me stand up and he put his hands on my hips and said, "Well from where I'm sitting, these are just about the most perfect birthing hips I've ever seen."  I was in love.

He owns a practice with a staff of 24 midwives that deliver for uninsured immigrant woman as well as his private practice.  And to top it all off it turns out that my other OB had delivered all of his grandchildren.  I felt such a kinship to him and by the time I left he popped up to shake my hand and said, "Alright kiddo, peace."  I just about bear hugged him right there.  I knew immediately that doing a VBAC and delivering with him was the right decision for me.

This new decision has put a fire back in me about this birthing experience.  I went to the library yesterday and checked out two books on VBACS and Ina May's guide to childbirth.  I am already soaking it all in and trying to learn as much as I can.  I have started some online training with Hypnobrthing.  My goal is to go natural and to be open to what this experience has to offer.  I couldn't be more excited about this and I can't wait to bring our Avett in to this world.

I am open to learning as much as I can in these last few weeks and would love to hear what worked for you mothers who delivered naturally.  Thank you so much already for those who have been supportive and encouraging to me through this journey.  I am excited to experience the, "empowering beauty of childbirth that is woman's amazing gift for people-ing the earth." -Alice Walker

one of those days

You know the kind of day where everything around you starts imploding?

That was today. 

It was 1:51 and I was leaving CJ's for my 2pm OB appointment.   My car told me that I had 0 miles left to go. Fantastic. I made my way up Roswell Road in hopes that we could actually get up the hill. Evaleigh had just woken up from a nap so in an effort to curb her whines and grumps I gave her a tube of chapstick. This is one of our usual desperation moves which normally works wonders. We putted safely in to the Shell and I looked in to the back seat to find my child's face and fingers covered in strawberry chapstick. She just smiled at me which only revealed more chapstick on her teeth and tongue that was being consumed.

It was only then that I realized that all she had had to eat thus far in the day was 4 bites of cereal and a handful of cheezits that some little girls shared with her at church earlier that morning. 

Awesome mom award.

I squirt about 10 bucks in and hopped back in the car assuring her that real food was on the way. "But its 1:56...What am I going to feed this child?!" I made my way to the doctors office and on the way had the revelation that I had 1/3 of my leftover Big Buford in the floor board of the car that I had earlier that day.  It was one of those experiences where you are sitting in a drive thru and wondering, "Why am I doing this?  I don't even have my food yet and I regret this decision." 

After I found a parking spot I shamefully added that nasty burger to the bottom of the stroller and we booked it to the 7th floor, naturally after missing the elevator the first time.  We checked in at 2:12 and I rushed to the back to leave my "sample".

It was then that I saw that somehow Evie had found a stray cheezit and was seconds away from eating it.  Then she dropped it on the floor and it bounced back behind the toilet. "Uh oh...uh oh...uh ohhhhh.....", she kept repeating as I fumbled around my ginormous belly to pee in to that tiny tiny cup.  She was so frustrated and SO hungry.  "Its ok baby, mommy has something else delicious for you to eat, just one minute ok?"

We went back to the waiting room where I pulled out my smuggled burger. It was my only life line left and I had to use it. Finally we could sink in to our chairs for a bit and hopefully she could eat. To my surprise she took a few bites but not too soon after the nurse came to the door to call me back. Crap...I was caught. I gathered up all of our things and wheeled us back to room 16. Maybe this could be our sanctuary and the poor child could EAT! Nope. 

We were faced with a whole new set of distractions. EJ was pointing at everything and asking to touch it. She wouldn't accept any toys in our bag so I looked around in desperation for something to distract her.

An ultrasound sheath?

A model of a uterus?

We settled on a magazine.

A few minutes passed and right between the time Evie was putting her baby under her shirt and the time she started taking interest in the stirrups Dr. Glorious Perfect Timing came in. I just adore everything about my OB. She let Evie play with the tape measure and help listen to the baby's heart beat. All was well and as we were leaving the nurse at the front gave EJ 2 stickers. 

It made her day.

On the way home I looked in the rear view mirror and found my daughter eating the stickers. 

Why not top off our diet of chapstick and nasty burgers with a little sticker?

When we finally made it home I filled her little belly with peaches, milk, and spaghetti.

And that was most of my day.