it's back

I've recently felt the magic come back in to my mothering.  It was a tough go for a while there.  I can't believe not so long ago I naively thought to my self, "I am so good at this, being a mother is so easy."  Queue the humility cycle.

Hah. Hah.  Oh the things I've learned in the past 10 months about my self and my children and my limits and relying on God in it all.  

I made a promise to my self a couple of weeks ago that I would never raise my voice at my children again.  I had gotten in to a nasty terrible habit of using that to get those sweet little people to do what I wanted.  But then a thought, I believe a divine thought, came in to my heart and my mind, "they are children, they are learning and everyday they are figuring it out just like you. Be patient and show love."  So I prayed for forgiveness and got to work on my self and my tone and attitude towards my sweet babies. 

Don't get me wrong nothing too extreme was going on I just didn't like the style of communication I had gotten in to.  I believe wholeheartedly my babies deserve the best...my best.  And sometimes that is hard when I've only had 5 hours of sleep due to my wonderfully demanding calling.  I've had to call on the Lord a lot. "Heavenly Father I am really trying my best, please send help. Help me to extend beyond my present capabilities today.  I'm so tired and my babies need me.  Please help me to somehow have the energy for them and do everything I need to do today."

And as I've reached out I've felt that help come.  I've felt myself grow in ways that I know have not been my own except by asking so desperately for it and receiving that divine help. 

I've lingered more.  I've read an extra book.  I've said longer prayers at night by Evie's bedside.  I've picked Avett up out of his crib and swayed in his dark room to the sweet smell of lavender oil diffusing close by.  Ive taken moments to teach.  I've spoken softer, kinder, sweeter.  I've snuggled.  I've played.  I've laughed.  I've said yes more.  

And truly all of this feels more like me, more like us, more like the life we are supposed to all be living together. So we will just keep on, we will keep on making mistakes and then correcting them.  We will keep on learning how to live this beautiful life we've been given. 

Joy school

Now that we are settling in to the school year it's time to add yet another thing in to our crazy schedules.  We will be starting joy school with evaleigh the first week of September. I completely took down the dining room table and carried each piece down to the basement.  The children used my extra tools to "help" disassemble.  I love their little willing and helpful spirits.  Just tonight as Deb and the kids and I were getting out of the car to eat a quick dinner at sonic Evie reached over to Avett's seat and said, "don't worry I'll get Avett out." Something so simple made me so proud.

We printed out rules for our classroom and have already been singing the songs all over the place! Evaleigh put her own special twist on one, "we do not hit or kick or spit." Close enough my dear.

I drug down (all by my self against the will of my bad back) the cube storage from Evies room and then promptly replaced it with my mother's childhood dresser that was collecting dust in the garage.  I can't stand for things to be out of place too long. So how our joy school room looks crisp and organized.

I look forward to teaching her about the joy of life and living.  And I can tell she is looking so forward to it too!

the gang

Two nights ago I ended the day in a crumpled mess of a woman eating Fun Dip and Reese's curled up in the fetal position on the couch.

The details of how I got there are a little hazy.  But I remember lots of crying, unbelievable amounts of spit up and poop...just a whole lot of poop.  It was one of those days where I ambitiously had two things on my to do list and only one of them got done. Nothing about the day involved a shower or a change out of pajamas and I kept the same pony tail in all day that I had slept in the night before.  There's nothing like the walk of shame in your own house all day long.  I don't recall if I even had a toilet break.  My darling children conspired against me and the day gave me an eye-twitch that may not ever go away. When my husband walked in the door from work I'm sure he looked at me in a squinting fashion and said, "Darling is that you?"

Like I said, I don't remember much but I do remember tears and poop, and also not a lot of napping.  There was a moment at the end of the day where a meltdown from my almost two year old was happening because for the life of her she didn't understand why she couldn't have marshmallows for dinner.  Avett was crying for a good 30 minutes because...well he's a baby and babies cry.  My ears were ringing and I was trying to feed Evaleigh who had gone on an eating strike until marshmallows became available with one hand while vigourously bouncing Avett with the other. Everything came to a head and I just let out a high pitched operatic note. I needed a release. Sporadic opera notes are a normal in our house and I thought it was a good idea because hey, it wasn't yelling, but no...in the insanity of the moment it only made Evie cry harder.  

It was that moment that I realized that the hardest part of this job is showing patience and letting the children think you have it under control.  

Even when on the inside you are thinking, "OH MY GOSH WHY ALL OF THE IRRATIONAL CRYING?? STOP STOP STOP!" or "NO I CANT HOLD ERNIE AND YOUR PLASTIC HORSE RIGHT NOW IM NURSING YOUR BROTHER!" or "CAN I PLEASE POOP IN PEACE JUST ONCE...ONCE!"

Motherhood is a tricky thing.  It is easily the hardest and most wonderful job in the world.  Most of the time it is a big old guessing game.  I would say that for me in moments like that it is a battle of patience and keeping my cool.  

These little people that take all of our time and energy have so much to teach us if we let them.  They have the capability of helping us to become our best selves.  

I've realized that the best thing we can do when the crazy is breaking out is to respond to them with the opposite emotion.  When they are selfish we need to respond with selflessness, when they are impatient we need to give them patience, when they are irrational we need to be the one to show understanding and compassion.  This is a stretch for most of us and it's a hard thing to do when our initial reactions aren't so naturally good.  Children test our deepest patience.  But I've learned that when I react in the kindest way and exercise my restraint and tolerance I feel so good about myself as a mother.  I love my two little people more than anything because they do push me to want to be a better person in the most profound way possible.  

So, here's to reigning in the crazy,  maybe one night saying, "I understand that marshmallows are a magically delicious thing, of course you can have them for dinner!", sucking up the eye twitch, and giving our babies our best.  Here's to understanding we will rise from the ashes of the day.  The sun will set and rise again and the next day we will have the chance to do it all over again. 

Hopefully better than the day before.

(A thanks to my husband who brought home the fun dip and Reese's, ordered me to have a long hot shower, and gave me a foot rub at the end of the night.  You da best.)

learning from them

Tonight I learned a lesson. Twice.

John was doing bathtime with EJ after our dinner of pork chops and baked red peppers, zucchini, and squash.  I was hurrying to clean up the kitchen and get done as many chores possible before the little girl was ready to get out, suit up in her jammies, and go to sleep.  

**Rinse and load dishes, start the load of dishes, clean counter tops, tidy up the living room, tackle laundry, tidy EJ's room before bed...especially the tee pee full of stuffed animals.**

Evie and I took a nap in the tee pee together today it looked like a stuffed animal explosion happened and there were many casualties. Furry bodies lay there in a mangled messy pile and it was my last feat.  

John was calling from the bathroom, "Babe you gotta come see this! She has a foam 2 stuck to her ear and she doesn't even care!"

In my head, "I have a very important thing I'm doing right now...this animal massacre can't wait." 

Out loud, "Ok just a minute."

Then with these words from John my heart was pricked, "Well its not going to be like this forever."

I dropped that bunny and went straight to the bathroom.  Evie smiled right at me with a giant blue foam 2 on the side of her face.  She was adorable and giggling.  To think I could have missed that silly little moment...

Not 20 minutes later Evie is asleep and my love is on the couch downstairs. I ask him to go fix us a bowl of pineapple upsidedown cake and he groans and says, "All I want to do is snuggle and lay my head on your lap."  I was hesitant because I had blog work to do and I wanted to get my work done and dangit...I wanted some cake.  But I let him anyway and I'm so glad I did.  He fell asleep in my lap and I loved it.

People are what are important.  Not our tasks and to do lists.    Moments like these don't last forever so we need to appreciate them while we can. Its easy to forget that sometimes.  But I am glad I have my sweet little family to remind me. 

the long overdue truth about bill

I suppose I owe it to the Internet world to come out with the truth about Bill.

Remember right before Christmas when my Pawpaw got EJ a dog? Sweet right... I've been hesitant to come out with the truth but here is the story of how we were dog owners for less than 24 hours.

Four days before Christmas we get to my dads anticipating the union of our little family and Bill, the puppy. We were very optimistic and excited about him joining our family and couldn't wait to see how happy EJ would be around him. I mean why shouldn't we get a dog? We can do anything!

My Pawpaw got there with Bill and there was no doubt he was a cute puppy. He was teeny and the way he sort of fumbled around as he walked had a way of tugging at your heart strings.

But then as soon as I held him my skin started to itch and turn red and my eyes would water. Then they shriveled up like cartoon eyeballs and fell on the floor. He started looking less cute. I knew I had allergies to dogs but with some it's not so bad so I tried to be positive about it and we went about our day. Evaleigh could have cared less he was even around but that could have had to do with her obsession with Christmas presents and food everywhere. We took family Christmas pictures and Bill was in every single one.

He took a couple of naps in my arms and as cute as it was my skin wouldn't stop crawling. I kept looking over at John and saying, "This is fun right? Yay, we have a dog.". I think with every sentence like that I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't about to have a nervous breakdown. In my heart I already knew we had made a terrible decision.

We finally got to my Aunts house for Christmas dinner and he took a walk outside. The little sucker had a nice poop and we took him inside to introduce him to the family. I think everyone in there knew the poor guy didn't stand a chance but me. My family later told me the look on my face was sheer terror. Bill started humping EJ's leg and would NOT get off of her diaper. Bless his little canine heart, he didn't know better but he kept jumping up on EJ's face and she did NOT like him. My cousin Brittney bet me it wouldn't last a month. I tried to put on a brave face a acted a little mad. "No...psh...Bill is a part of our family now. How dare you say that. We can do this". (I think)

I started thinking, "What did I get myself in to? A puppy and an almost one year old? I am insane." Horror music was playing inside of my head, you know like the shower scene in that Alfred Hitchcock movie. All i could see was a future of EJ eating soggy dog food with Bill and them laughing and pointing at me together while I cleaned up their messes. Bill was looking less cute.

It was time to go home and Bill and EJ cried for the first 30 minutes of the trip home. I finally blurted out to my mom, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!!". I called John and we decided right then and there we were in over our heads.

Babies I can do. Animals I cannot. I don't know why I thought getting a dog would magically turn me in to an animal person. But it didn't, It's just not me. If anything it proved to me that I never EVER want an animal. I guess you just have to know your place. Me...well I'm just not an animal person. Sorry Pawpaw.

Now I'm not knocking anybody who has a furbaby. I just prefer my hypoallergenic human baby.

That night John slept downstairs with Bill, he went to the bathroom 8 times and bit johns ear all though the night. When I woke up I found a nice brown stinky present from Bill under the tree on top of one of John's presents. It read "To: John From: One of Santas little helpers". At least we knew how Bill felt about us too.

That day we sold Bill to a family with four children. The little girl who got him said with tears streaming down her face, "This is the bestest Christmas ever!!" I shed a tear or two when they took him.

But mostly because we were free again. Wherever you are Bill, thanks for teaching us an important lesson. We can not do everything.

there is nothing hotter...

than a man in a Baby Bjorn.  

Then add a stache in to the mix...and you get this.  Emm emm emm.

Yesterday we finally discovered the magic that is the Baby Bjorn. It may be the most valuable hand-me-down we received, ever.  (Thanks Brit!)  

When John got home and I told him about those special powers of the Bjorn he said, "We need to write them a thank you note."  Its true, we should.

Baby Bjorn + Brit = lifesavers

I had tried my beautiful Sienna Moby Wrap with EJ and she. was. not. having. it.  

I just can't quite figure it out yet.  I'm not sure if its because she was breech the whole time I was pregnant with her but this little girl loves to be upright.  I'm going to pull the Moby back out in another month or so, maybe she'll change her tune about it by then.

She took two 3 hours naps in that thing yesterday and I've never been more productive.  I did 3 loads of laundry, and ACTUALLY put them up.  I stuffed and prepared all of Ev's diapers for the day.  I also cleaned the nursery, our bedroom, and the living room in preparation for Ev's first playdate with little Annie.  Sadly, we did not get a picture of the girls together.  Natalie brought us delicious vegan scones from Dulce Vegan Bakery in Decatur, the chocolate lavender scone was to die for!  Thanks for a fun day Natalie!  Go to their facebook page and look through their food and try not to drool.  That chocolate pear pie...I have to get out there.

I can foresee this Bjorn becoming part of our routine.  I found myself wearing it with Ev this morning at 6am in my skivvies bouncing on the bouncy ball in the nursery when she couldn't sleep.  

I was desperate and it worked like a charm.  The things we do for our children...

Have a lovely weekend hopefully filled with scones and pie!

bottom line

We have officially started cloth diapering.  I am so excited to see this little bubble butt around here more often.  

I mean check her out...baby got back.

The jury is still out on:

Kissa's Newborn All-In-One Diaper by Kissaluvs

Kissaluvs Marvels One Size AIO

FuzziBunz Perfect Size Small Pocket Diaper

Flipz Pocket Diaper

Thirsties Covers with Pre-folds

Thirsties Fab Fitter Duo with a cover

Thirsties Pocket Diaper

Here is what I've learned so far:

-FuzziBunz materials feel oh-so-good.

-Pre-folds are complicated.  I got peed on last night.  Looks like momma still has some learning to do.

-Pre-folds take a longer time to dry than expected.

-Wet bags are a must.

-Kissa's Newborn diaper does not absorb the poop like Fuzzi or Thirsties

-Snappi's look scary and feel scary but are wonderful.  You can pull them tighter than you think.

-I'm still trying to get the hang of flannel wipes, more on that later.

-All-in-one, fitteds, and pockets are proving to be easier than pre-folds, but I'm told the pre-fold thing takes a lot of patience and practice.  I'm still working on it.

EJ is seeming to love them a lot more than sposies, yay!

learning

Here are a few things I have learned while being a mother so far:

100 pictures a day is still not enough.

Having a baby and seeing your husband with her makes him instantly 1,000 times hotter.  I can hardly stand it.  I love watching John rock Ev in her nursery as he sings primary songs to her to get her to fall asleep.  That little girl loves her daddy so much.  Ooo, I love making babies with him.

There is no limit to the amount of times we can say, "She is so freakin' beautiful.", it never gets old.

Our stroller has a wider back end than I realized.  I made a grand entrance at the doctors yesterday while bumping in to approximately 15 chairs.  I got some pretty weird looks from other patients to which I replied very loudly while laughing out-loud at myself, "Hey, sorry I'm still learning how to drive this thing." There was so much awkward silence...so much.

Lanolin is a thing of the gods.  I love you lanolin.

I have learned to discern Ev's little cries.  She has an "I'm hungry" cry, an "I'm so sleepy, let's just cuddle" cry, a "Will you please make this doctor stop checking my hips for hip displasia, I'm just fine" cry, an "I'm wet or poopy will someone please just change me" cry, and a really pitiful "can you just hold me close right now" cry.  I love them all.

Love increases your patience, immensely.

I have never been more proud of someones toots and poops.  When Evaleigh finally pooped after a long hard night of an upset tummy, I cried.  I literally shed a tear over that poop.

Breast Pumps are also sent from heaven.  A couple days ago I pumped and handed the milk off to John to store and refrigerate. He came leaping and bounding back in to the living room with a glowing grin on his face yelling, "Babe that was 3 and a half oz!!  Good job!  You are amazing!"  I felt like a queen.

Holding my baby is the best therapy or pain killer out there.  When my body starts to feel weak and I get a little whiney I hold Evaleigh and then all of the sudden all is right in the world.


Sometimes the only way to get your 'bid-ness' done in peace is just to take the baby in there with you.  That way you can ensure she won't stop breathing while you are gone for 10 minutes.

I never knew my heart could love this much.  It hurts.  I could never live without this little girl now.  It feels incredible to be an eternal family, nothing can ever separate us.


**HAVE YOU ENTERED THIS AMAZING GIVEAWAY?? Click HERE to enter to win a photo shoot with Holly L. Robbins Photography!**

i must have a really comfy womb

like really soon.

Today we went to the ultrasound specialists and saw that Miss Evaleigh has a head full of hair, really likes to practice breathe in tha womb, and is an extreme contortionist(even the tech was impressed and equally dumbfounded as to how she got into the position she was in). 

All of those things make her a really cool baby.

After the ultrasound we decided that the Version, though possible, is not for us.  We really feel like if EJ is meant to turn then she will.  I am already being humbled by my child.  I remember when I was first starting to feel her move and kick, I was in awe that she had the freedom to move as she pleased.  Although she was a part of me and we were sharing the same body...I had no control over her.  That amazed me and I was proud of her for being her own little person.  I am really learning more about the gift of agency.   

We have date set for the c section and the idea of it is growing on me.  Thank you each and every one for the incredible outpouring of love, support, and kind words you shared with me yesterday.  I can't tell you how much each comment, phone call, text message, email, and facebook message meant to me.  I am astounded at the heart warming words I have received from friends and strangers alike.  I went to bed last night feeling much better and incredibly at peace.

Although, I may still ground Evaleigh for a few weeks after she is born for not listening to me tell her "TURN AROUND BABY!!!!" probably 1,000 times.  She is in trouble but I forgive her because I just must have a really comfy womb.

(Also a thank you to Nat the Fat Rat for our little feature yesterday.  I bet you are getting rather tired of Christmas trees.)

dear pregnancy brain, you ruin everything.

Dear Pregnancy Brain,

You and I need to have a talk.

You see, the last week or so I have been building up husband's birthday surprise and doing a really great job of keeping it a secret.  Secrets can be hard for me, especially when its a gift.  I really thought I was going to make it this time.

Then you came along and ruined everything.

Remember yesterday when all I wanted to do was show Mr. Murphy a picture of my new bangs then you decided to butt in and be all, "BAM, it'd be a great idea to take a picture of yourself in the car and make sure to include his birthday present in the background."

That was rude.  

Can you stop making me stupid now?

Love,

Rachel

Happy Birthday to my sweet husband of 24 today!

I made Mr. Murphy promise me to still act surprised.

I was so close...SO close.

Choosing Happiness

I am choosing to end a rut today.

I am choosing gratitude.

I am choosing happiness.

I have been horribly sad the past few months. I haven't talked about this much but 2 months ago in April, my parents divorced.  It was a huge surprise to me.  After 26 years of marriage everything came to an end.

It has been an incredibly difficult thing for me to wrap my head around.  I have spent many tear filled hours trying to understand why life turns out the way it does.

I suppose it all comes down to our choices.

We all have within ourselves the power to choose.  

I can choose to eat jello for all 3 meals of the day.  I can choose to go to the antique mall 3 times in one week.  I can choose to do my laundry or to let it sit.  I can choose to take 15 minutes to have a meaningful conversation with someone or I can let the moment pass me by.  I can choose to be happy or I can choose to give way to my negative emotions.

Today I am going to choose to be happy.

I am going to try to understand why the Lord has put me where I am at this time.  John and I have moved in with my mother to help her out during this hard time.  We are living the home that I grew up in. 

Even though we know this is where we are supposed to be right now, I haven't exactly been the easiest person to live with.

I have been sulking around and complaining that I don't have a place of my own.  I have felt like less of a wife.  I have been so much less productive.  I haven't been cooking or taking pride in my own little area of the house.  I have been sad to have left our friends and life in Atlanta.  I have been being so negative.

I can't believe how ungrateful I have been.

I need to focus on the blessings of this situation.

Because we are living here I am able to see my wondeful mother everyday.

Because we are living here we are living rent free.

Because we are here we are able to save money and work to get out of the small debts that we have.

Because we are living here we are able to enjoy candle lit evenings on the porch.

Because we are here we have a snugly puppy to make us laugh and smile.

Because we are here I can look in to the lightening bug glitter filled woods in our back yard.

Because we are living here it has become possible for us to have our baby!!

I am going to try to make this place my home again.  

I am going to reclaim my wifely duties and start doing the things that I enjoy again.

I am going to wake up each morning with a resolve to choose happiness.

(This picture really has nothing to do with this post except that John Murphy sure does make it easier to be happy.  That and we went to the Glenn Murphy Ranch last weekend for Father's Day.  I love my happy ranching husband.)

All beacause you laughed in your sleep

 Dear Husband,

Tonight I may have gotten a little mad at you.  And it may or may not have been caused by a certain syndrome that seems to come around every month.  

I was so perturbed that I lay in bed completely restless and disturbed.  I was determined to stay mad at you, even though really you had done nothing wrong.

Then something magical happened...

You laughed in your sleep.

I looked over at you and you had the most beautiful smile on your sleeping face.  Even though I was brimming with unreasonable anger I forgave you for the things you didn't even do right then and there.

You see, you are a pretty wonderful guy and we don't ever fight but I've been feeling so touchy lately.

Maybe it's the fact that graduation is 4 weeks away and I have so many obstacles looming over my head.

Maybe it was a little bit that I really wanted to snuggle and watch Toy Story 3 tonight. (Even though I enjoyed Forrest Gump)
And maybe it was the fact that tonight you said my chest skin looked leathery.

Anyway...here is my peace offering.  

I was so inspired by your magical slumber induced giggle that I had to come in here and do this for you. I love you.

Love, Your Wife

P.S. I hope you remember what you were dreaming about so we can laugh about it together in the morning.

Let's Review

Oh my. 

Has it really been a week?

We have been quite busy.  So much has happened.  I have been swamped with trying to...you know....graduate...from that crazy thing called college.  Oh, no big.

  I'm just a little freaked out that in just 6 short weeks I will be wearing blue and black and that funny square shaped hat and I will be singing the Alma Matter in the Georgia Dome for my very own college graduation. *gulp* Can this be?

This picture was taken on the first day of my freshman year of college. I was in front of the School of Music with some of the loveliest of people.  I remember feeling so mature and proud of who I was becoming.  Was I REALLY living on my own?  Could I really make my own schedule?  I had the chance to be who ever I wanted.

I went to college as a vocal performance major doing classical opera.  That means a lot of singing.  A. LOT.  I couldn't wait to grow and learn and soak up whatever I could about music.

Being in the city made me feel brave and strong.  I felt the comfort of the tall buildings around me and the vibrations of the energy of the city.  It was bliss, because despite growing up in the country, I had always been a city girl at heart.

I remember my freshman year of college with this lady as my roommate.  Although we had gone to high school together, our bond solidified in college.

We used to watch the Food Network laying in Jessi's twin dorm room bed and I would lay my head on her chest and she would play with my hair.  We had a passion for Project Runway and Wing-nuts.  I don't know that I have had many people love me as much as she has.  I have felt unwavering love and support from her throughout my life.  When I gave my Senior Voice recital, there she was in the crowd with tears in her eyes, she has always believed in my talent even when I have not.

This is how I spent my college years.  Get ready for a PLOG to the extreme!

Choir with Doctor Raines.  That was the only year that it was genuinely fun for me.  That man knew how to bring a piece to life and push it deep in to your soul.  I've always wondered what has become of him since he left after my freshman year.

a benefit concert I gave

Albert Herring

"Blimey jelly, pink blamanche, seedy cake, seedy cake with icing ooooo on."

opera scenes...who knows what this one was, I think I did about 50.

Choir Tour Sophomore Year.  I remember I didn't shower that morning...

the weirdest thing I have ever been in.

We were asked to do the World Premiere of Milton Granger's "Bluebeard's Waiting Room".  It was a 7 woman opera...it was estrogen to the extreme.

We flew to LA to premiere it in front of the National Opera Convention.  At 19, I felt on top of the world.

Getting ready for my Junior Recital.  

Oh the BUTTERFLIES WERE SWARMING MY TUMMY!

Despite what my sister may say about disliking my singing (because she has heard it her whole life) she always seems to know all of my lyrics better than me.  I know she secretly loves it.

Understudy for Cunegonde

Kaitlyn's beautiful Savannah Wedding

A new stop in the road: Opera on Tap

My FINAL RECITAL.  My mother made my dress.  It was the practice dress before she made my wedding dress.  Other than my voice teacher, I learned the most from this guy, Dr. Marshall.  I love that angry little man, what a genius.

As my years of college come to a close I hear the same question over and over again, "So. what's next?"  

Really...

I have no clue.  

But I am so excited to make my own path doing what I love to do and I'm going to try my best at it.  I feel so blessed to have been touched by all of my friends and teachers in college.  There have been times when I have felt completely and utterly incapable and there have been times when I leave the classroom feeling over-the-moon happy, elated, and fulfilled.

"Get over the idea that only children should spend their time in study.  Be a student so long as you still have something to learn, and this will mean all your life."  

~Henry L. Doherty