crumbs and chats

We spent the whole day at Stock Gap yesterday.  It was good for my heart.  Yesterday would have been my parents 31st anniversary.  I don't know that anyone thought of it except that I mentioned it to my sister in a whisper.  I don't suppose it should have even been mentioned anyway but still...it was interesting.  I feel so at peace and even happy for how things turned out for my parents.  I feel at peace with their new lives and how we all fit together in one crazy blended family now.  They are both remarried to great matches and my sister and I have come to accept and love them as have our husbands and children, although they never knew anything different. 

After the divorce some relationship dynamics changed for a while and I'm coming to terms with the fact that that's ok.  It's hard for families to split apart and then to find how they fit back together and where everyone lands and how.  I suppose it's like shaking up a bottle of soda, everything bubbles and is crazy for a bit and then it eventually settles down and you can see clearly again.

I've been praying for that clarity so often and I'm so grateful for the bits that come to me in time.

Yesterday after a big meal everyone scattered to do different things while mom and I had some time to ourselves to clean the kitchen.  I don't know why in sharing that mundane task and exchanging conversation amidst it all I felt like a piece of my heart flew back and a crack was filled.  After I mentioned that we won't all fit around the dining room table much longer I was listening to her tell me about how a long time ago Grandmother Virginia Shepherd offered her a huge table that sat 14 or 16 and that she is now sad she didn't take it. I felt happy hearing her share that simple story.  I walked around collecting crumbs and and clearing the table and it just felt good to be two women at work.  A mother and a daughter doing something that mothers and daughters have done millions of times together.  I'm not quite sure why yet, but I cherished it.  I'm grateful for her wisdom and her experience and I want to learn from it.  

The rest of our time was filled with crying babies, happy messy dirty children, and sporadic conversation mingled with requests from toddlers and kids.  It was good for me, so good.

just some time

Several times tonight before we went upstairs to bed Evaleigh told me, "Mom, I just want to spend some time with you."  It was the sweetest request that I couldn't wait to fulfill. 

So we went upstairs after family prayer, which was the usual struggle of Avett whining that he wanted to pray as soon as Evie started to pray.  I am glad they love to pray so I suppose it's a good problem to have.  John put Avett to bed while and Evie and I laughed and snuggled and played and read books for a good 45 minutes.  I sat her on my lap and told her NOT to laugh, which of course was impossible.  She would say it to me and then we would bust out laughing.  

I loved every second of it.  It's easy to hurry through the last parts of the day, especially on the days when bed time is a welcomed time.  I know I tend to do that often but tonight was different and I loved it.  

She loves to say, "Mom can I tell you a whisper?" Then she leans up close and whispers in my ear, "I love you, you are the best mom ever you silly pot."  There's just nothing in the world like having a daughter.

colorful forks

My life is full of colorful spoons and forks and plastic dinnerware.   It is full of snack time, naptime, bath time, and outside time. It revolves around feeding little people by breast or bib or high chairs and many nights with my toddler on foot doing a 'run by eating'. 

The other day I was remembering when Evaleigh was only a few months old, maybe 3 or 4.  I was reminiscing about something I said to John.  It went something like this, "Wow, being a mom is so easy.  I mean, we are like really good at this whole parent thing.  We should probably have at least 10 more of these."  

Then some time passed and stages came and went.  There was separation anxiety and cry-it-out and napping troubles and sickness.  And then another baby came along and there was reflux and teething and sharing and tantrums and all sorts of things.  Now I say,  "Wow, being a mom is really hard.  We are constantly learning and trying to do the next day better than the one before."  I feel wiser and a bit more experienced and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself and these little people in the past 2 years and 4 months I've been at this.   I know there's so much more on the horizon to learn and I can wait for it but I look forward to it.

Tonight I put Evie to bed and she requested 1 song which turned in to 3, about 5 long hugs, and 7 long kisses.  Avett is just the best and loves to attack my face and pull my hair out.

Being a mother to my two babies is the coolest thing I've ever been a part of.  They love me and they need me and I need them. 

A very Happy 3rd Mothers Day to me indeed.

am I ready

As I lay in my bed with a few tears falling from my eyes trying to get a nap, Evaleigh is sleeping in the next room.  I just finished singing her to sleep, like I do every day, and I had a twinge in my heart.  I've been so caught up in wanting Avett to come lately.  Naturally with my body so pregnant I am constantly aware that he could come at any moment.  But as I sat in her nursery this morning I thought to myself, "Am I ready? Have I done everything with just her that I want to do?"  I can feel the change coming and somehow a little guilt has entered my mama heart.  I want to always remember the times when it was just the two of us.  I hope she knows how much being her mother has changed my life, my soul, and the very strands of my being for the absolute better.  What we have had and shared the past 20 and a half months has been the most lifting and fulfilling experience.  I am really happy to meet Avett and to bring him in to our family and I've been told that it only gets sweeter and sweeter, but today I enjoyed watching her fall asleep to the sound of my voice while knowing that she was my only care in the world.