brave

A couple of weekends ago I went to Augusta to visit my sister.  I just couldn't stand it anymore, I missed her and I missed her children.  So I packed everyone up in the car and stuff to stay for a couple of nights and we took off.  The drive from Athens was so beautiful.  I love the southern country side.  The kids were both asleep within 20 minutes or so and I just drove and thought.  I love that kind of solitude.  I can see my babies in the rear view mirror with their shimmering closed eyelids and those pouty sleeping lips.  I can sigh a breath of relief knowing that they are with me but somewhere else completely. 

We had so much fun with the cousins. On Saturday bekah and I got the bray idea to go get the girls ears pierced together.  Evaleigh had been asking for quite some time.

Joe kept the boys and we went off on a girl date.  We stopped off and got the girls matching summer sandals first and then went to Claires in the mall. Evaleigh was determined the whole time.  She never faltered with her answer every time I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this. 

She picked out a pretty pink glitter heart pair of earrings and hopped right up in the chair. I stooped down and held her hands to help her stay brave.  They counted to three and "pop!" The earrings were on and her face didn't even change.  

I learned a lot about that brave soul.  Not a tear, not a frown, not even a wiggle or wince. Just sheer excitement and courage. I was so proud of her bravery to do something hard, face it head on, and own it! If her reaction tells me anything about her future and how she will come to handle life then I've got one less thing to worry about.  A rite of passage in to girlhood, she suddenly looked older.

Kate cried, but then they were both so excited.  I loved doing that together, such a sweet memory.

just some time

Several times tonight before we went upstairs to bed Evaleigh told me, "Mom, I just want to spend some time with you."  It was the sweetest request that I couldn't wait to fulfill. 

So we went upstairs after family prayer, which was the usual struggle of Avett whining that he wanted to pray as soon as Evie started to pray.  I am glad they love to pray so I suppose it's a good problem to have.  John put Avett to bed while and Evie and I laughed and snuggled and played and read books for a good 45 minutes.  I sat her on my lap and told her NOT to laugh, which of course was impossible.  She would say it to me and then we would bust out laughing.  

I loved every second of it.  It's easy to hurry through the last parts of the day, especially on the days when bed time is a welcomed time.  I know I tend to do that often but tonight was different and I loved it.  

She loves to say, "Mom can I tell you a whisper?" Then she leans up close and whispers in my ear, "I love you, you are the best mom ever you silly pot."  There's just nothing in the world like having a daughter.

that felt good

Oh I love opera! I love it I love it I love it.  And I miss it.  

My mind races back to my college days quite often.  I loved learning and walking the streets of a busy city surrounded by tall buildings.  I loved learning how to manage my time and coping with the stress of long to do lists.  I was so excited and envigorated being surrounded by music in rehearsals, lessons, classes, and all of the concerts I attended.  

Music was one of my first great loves.  It is something that no matter what stage of life I'm in I want to be doing it in some capacity.  I have to.  Whenever I go long periods of time with out and then I come back I can't believe how starved I was for it.  

This weekend I got the opportunity to sing at a talent show.  Oh how it filled my heart with joy.  It was a simple low pressure situation and yet it felt so familiar and comfortable.  Although it took me a minute to settle down in to it.  Right around "felice mi fa" I let loose and just let it all soar right out of my mouth.  I've been singing this song since I was 12, which should not have happened but that is a story for another day! So it was nice to say hello to an "old friend".  I'm so grateful for a talent I hope to use for good all of my life. 

the garage

I've been trying to get myself and this home organized.  My mother comes home from her mission in exactly 6 weeks! She will be home Christmas Eve and we are all starting to get pretty excited over here! 

There is so much to be done and I am trying to catch up on some of the outside work since we've finally had a few days without rain.  Yesterday I spent over an hour blowing leaves off of the driveway.  With all of the rain and the lack of maintenance we had developed a pretty thick coat of packed wet leaves.  It was oddly satisfying to work to get them all cleared away and to see the concrete freshly unveiled.  The kids played in the camper completely keeping to themselves the whole time.  I would stop occasionally to bring them a snack to keep their blood sugar high and their minds occupied while playing in the camper.

Then we cleaned out the garage and I broke down about 30 cardboard boxes.  Then simplified everything.  It felt so good to declutter.

So tonight we waited in our freshly organized garage for daddy to come home while running around and peering out the window at our twinkle lights that have been on the Bla-bla tree for over a year now.  The kids took turns on the pink bike, which Evies legs are finally almost the right length for.  They practiced good manners and sharing.  Until the end when they got hungry.  I fed them meatloaf which they love!

When John was close we turned off the lights and sat on the couch in the dark as quiet as could be to scare him.  We all practiced saying "boo!" at the same time and they were so excited.  When John walked in we gave him a good scare followed by lots of giggles and a big group hug. It is so nice to have so many places to escape to on this home.  It constantly keeps thing feels new and fresh, we sure will miss that when we move to Athens.

Love my very wiggly noisy funny busy bodies and that they go along with my silly ideas. ❤️

the rewards

I love spending my days with them. I'm doing a job that is hard and exhausting and busy.  There are times when I question every little thing I am doing as a mom and I wonder if I'm already messing them up.  And then there are moments that sneak up on me and surprise me and give me the encouragement that I'm actually doing a pretty darn good job.

A few things lately that have touched my heart:

-Evaleigh wants to sing Avett a song before bed every night, she always chooses I am a Child of God and she knows every word.  She stands by his bed side and softly strokes his head.  She refuses to let me sing along.

-Avett has gotten particularly great at sharing.  If there is a conflict for the most part all I have to do is ask the kids to have "a conversation" about it and then they work it out.  Avett is such a humble little guy he is usually the one to give in and make peace.

-Evaleigh loves to "give service" around the house.  Today I told her she could help me do laundry and I left to go to the bathroom.  When I came back to the living room she had carried all of the clean laundry from the laundry room and piled it on the floor.  She loves to remind me with a huge smile and wide bright eyes, "Mom! Thats giving service!"

-Both of my children are loving and affectionate.  They love to hug and kiss and Evie loves to ask to tell me a whisper.  Usually it is, "I love you." Or "You are a sweet mom."

I'm honored to get to do this job and I'm so thankful for the times these kids make me laugh or feel proud.  It's such a reward for all of the hard times.  

walk in the light

These little balls of energy and I had been cooped up for so many consecutive rainy days that we bursting at the seams and had to get out of the house rain or shine!

So two days ago we slapped on our rain coats and plugged in our twinkle lights and made the most of the gloomy evening.  They were drenched and muddy but oh so happy that none of the dirt even mattered.  Laundry could be done and shoes cleaned but the outside was the solace we needed.

Evaleigh loves tiny things. And somehow she tracked down a small part of my key chain that had broken off and was laying in the mud.  She brought it to me blowing the whistle at the top of her lungs and asked me to do the same.  Then I noticed the small keychain attached to it with two tiny foot prints and next to it it said "Walk in the Light."  I pulled her close to me and read it to her and then sang her Teach Me to Walk in the Light.  It was a moment I never want to forget under the glow of the twinkling lights teaching my daughter about faith and the gleam of the Saviors love and gospel.  

The spirit filled my heart as I watched her stomp around yelling "walk in the light walk in the light!"

Then we all share a big piece of eye of round roast that I had been slow cooking in the oven for 8 hours. Yum. 

women who care

Last weekend I had the opportunity to speak alongside my friend Jenn Mack at the Atlanta Stake "Women Who Care" conference.  Our topic was "It's your divine nature, own it!".  Here is a 40 minute excerpt from the conference, the last 5 minutes included the song that Jenn and I wrote for the conference.  The first 10 minutes are missing in which we took one big group selfie and talked about the things we see when we look our physical selves and then we imagined what our "spiritual selfie" would look like, or how we look to our Heavenly Father.  After our song we both bore our testimonies and those are missing too but I'm so glad we have the middle documented, it was such a sweet experience to look in to the eyes of those young women and seeing them soaking in the message.  The spirit was so strong in that room.  I love sharing the gospel and testifying of its truths. 

composer

I've been making good on our anniversary chat.  I've written several songs in the past few weeks and it feels so good to be creating.  I read a quote a long long time ago and it has always stuck with me. "Don't give up on something you can go a day without thinking about."  For me, that is music. 

I know music will always be a part of my life and I know that at different times of my life it will play different parts.  Teaching, performing, competing, writing, creating, singing in the living room to the sound of my husband playing Hannah. I love it all.

These days music is just coming out of me.  I sit down at my dads childhood piano and I can expel a song in about an hour, it's like they've just been waiting to get out.  I love this.

Tonight I finished a song call "tender mercy love". It's one of my favorites so far. I've always had a dream to write church music and now I'm doing something's to make it happen.  We will see what the future holds but what is coming out feels good and sounds good. 

new schedules and happy babies

Today was a perfect day. Truly.  John Murphy and I have come up with a new family schedule that I am very excited about.  I've had such a hard time keeping up with this big house and two crazy kids who love to make messes faster than I can clean them.  

So after an excellent conversation we came up with a plan that is just going to be amazing.  When John comes home from class we feed the kids lunch together and then he takes over with the kids until their nap time.  It gives me time to clean, do chores, catch up on emails and seminary stuff, write music, and study my scriptures or whatever I need to do.

I am realizing how important it is for me to have regular uninterrupted daytime time to do things that I want and need to do. I've never really asked for consistent time like this but I can tell it is going to be such a life changer for me. Today was one of our first days on our new schedule idea and I was more productive in the 4 hours I had today than I am in 2-3 days combined! It was such a breath of fresh air to turn on some music and get to work in the house while john had the kids and then when they were napping I studied a talk for seminary and got so much done. 

I crave productivity.  I grew up on to do lists and goals, something my father engrained in me, and I am so thankful for those abilities he encouraged me to make a part of my life. Being a mother with young children has changed things in the realms of productivity every day.  Progress looks different than what it used to because my progress comes in my children. It comes in the things I am teaching them, in them grasping concepts and manners and routines.  It comes when they say prayers on their own and they throw away their trash or take a dish to the sink without being asked.  Right now a lot of my daily progress is wrapped up in the incessant task of teaching and caring for my babies.

But I am learning how important and fulfilling it is for me to be able to make time and do both of the things I am talking about.  

This past week john have me a beautiful blessing as I was feeling so overwhelmed by motherhood and they way that I respond to it sometimes. I am so grateful that he talks to me about it and that we make decisions together on how to improve our home lives and personal lives.  I am grateful for his support in everything I set my heart out to do.

I've been writing a lot of music lately and it feels so good.

Anyway, today was wonderful.  Because I knew I would have a chunk of hours to do what I needed to do I let all of that go until it was time after lunch and I spent the whole morning playing with my babies instead of trying to do things here and there.  They were so much happier and so was I! 

I'm just so excited for what is to come, life is good. 

im a wedding girl too

Yesterday Evaleigh was so excited to see me in my wedding dress. I hope she always remembers the excitement of our anniversary every year.  I could see her little wheels turning in her mind with wide eyes of adoration and awe as I glided around the house in my wedding dress.  She asked me over and over to spin in the living room and each time she would squeal with delight.  It's the kind of moment where you can feel, almost tangibly, that a memory is being made.

She asked right away to put on her wedding dress after I tried my dress on early that morning to see how I would get in it, if at all! Last year it zipped up no problem, this year I had a few more Ben&Jerry pounds to answer for. So a cardigan thrown over the back would just have to do.

We spent the morning making flower crowns and she slipped in to her white dress, Cinderella plastic slippers from her Grammy, her blonde hair weave of course, and her flower crown.

She looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "I'm beautiful!" And she was. And is.

The whole day she paraded around saying that she was going to get married.  She went inside her teepee and said it was the temple. That warmed my heart. 

I hope she remembers how special yesterday was for all of us.  How glad I am to have such a full and lovely life with these people. 

I love John Murphy, Evaleigh Joy, & Avett Mills.

Merry Christmas

As I sit here on this Christmas night bouncing my baby to sleep with my toddler tucked away safe in bed while I listen to the sound of my husband chopping firewood I feel so grateful.  This year Christmas was so full of babies and memories.  Every year at the end of Christmas Day I like to wonder what the next year will hold.  Last year I had no idea I would have the privaledge of having a son.  Next year I wonder if there will be more babies, or maybe some perhaps on the way.  I wonder if I will still have all of the special people I have in my life near me.  I wonder where we will be living and I wonder what the next year will bring.  This year was so full and so happy and I just want to sit here perfectly content and full of grattitude.  I have all of these things because my savior Jesus Christ was born and atoned for me.  

Merry Christmas.

perspective

I could tell you that the past two weeks have been so hard.  I could tell you that we have been dealing with a lot around here. I could say that I have barely had any time to actually focus on our new house and make it feel like a home because work has been such a burden.  I could tell you we didn't have water for two weeks and we had to bum off of other people's showers and toilets.  I could tell you that the minute the city finally did turn on our water that the valves that go to the laundry upstairs were not turned off and that water spewed out gallons per second flooding our upstairs hallway.  It leaked down in to our living room and dripped on to the floor.  I could tell you that Evaleigh has completely been off of her nap schedule and I am exhausted. I could tell you that John and I have been sick and have felt yucky for the past few days. I could tell you that lately I have felt a little bit like a failure. 

OR

I could tell you that being in our new home feels like we are newlyweds again.  I could tell you that we are giddy with excitement that we have a new place of our own and that we are proud of it even with all of its bumps and bruises and leaks.  I could tell you that I have wonderful jobs and I am so thankful to have work.  I could tell you that since moving back to Atlanta we have gotten to see so much more of the people we love (thanks for letting us use your shower and toilets Dad and Lisa!)  I could tell you that an incredible thing happened and I am so blessed that I listened to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  I was moments from taking Evaleigh on a walk and we would have been gone an hour.  Instead I had a feeling I should linger around the house a few more minutes.  In that time I heard a loud gushing sound coming from upstairs...I found water EVERYWHERE.  Thank GOD I caught it and turned it off in time, I feel so much gratitude for that.  I could tell you that i have been getting to play with Evaleigh a lot more lately because she has been awake more than usual. I could tell you that because of John's sickness I have gotten to snuggle him more and take care of him, and that makes me feel good.  I could tell you that I am grateful for experiences that reaffirm to me my self worth.

I prefer to look at my life the second way.

I am blessed, I am happy, and I am positive.

kind of heavy for a friday.

Yesterday I stumbled across some very disturbing images through what I thought was going to be an innocent hashtag on Instagram.  I have been quite disturbed since then and have not been able to get them out of my mind.  I have been wondering how some people get to such a point of self loathing or how their life situation has caused them to have no self esteem.  This makes me feel sad. I wish I could show people that they have incredible worth.

I know every single person has a different life situation and I couldn't even begin to imagine some of them.  The world is such a dangerous place but it can also a beautiful place if you look for the positive.

I think it is so important to start with loving yourself.  

I think its important to be able to take a look at your self and say, "Yeah, I'd be friends with that person, I like her."  I can truly say that I love myself, and I don't mean this in a conceited or egotistical way.  I enjoy who I am.  I think its important to respect yourself where you are in your life at the current time.  Life is always going to be changing and you will be transitioning from one stage of life to another.  Always.  It is important to love yourself through those changes and to be kind to yourself.  

Sometimes I look at my sweet baby and pray as hard as I can that I will show her how much we love her and she will know how precious she is.  I couldn't imagine a day where she would feel alone or hate for herself.  It is SO important that we spend our days with our children loving them and helping them to acquire solid foundations of true self esteem.  Not just that they are beautiful or smart or funny, but that they are worthy of life and worthy of love and that they deserve, yes DESERVE, to have the best life has to offer.  Because they are children of God.