i'm feeling behind...

(21 weeks)

Yesterday I called my mother in an anxious panic with a tear filled sound in my voice.
"Mama, I don't know ANYTHING about birthing babies!"
She assured me that there have been plenty of people who have given birth to babies without ever opening a book.

I have been feeling so far behind.

I haven't read any books.
I haven't taken birth classes. (or even looked at how to sign up for them)
I haven't researched products I need or want.
I haven't started getting serious about decorating EJ's room.
I don't even know the colors I want to use.
We haven't officially decided on cloth diapering or disposables.
I haven't really felt Evaleigh move a whole lot...stupid anterior placenta.
I just feel....so unprepared.

I suppose this all sounds cray-cray.  But I think I let my pregnancy hormones get the best of be this past week.
There is something that clicked inside of my head when I noticed that we hit the half-way point.
I realized that time wise all I have left to do is what I've already done. (I'll just be doing it fatter)

I have all of these fears and this anticipation of hope that I'll be a good mother.
It is what I have always wanted to be, ever since I was a little girl myself.  But now that this moment is finally upon me, I am realizing more and more that being a mother is an incredibly huge and sacred responsibility.

It's a good thing I have the perfect example to emulate.

(me, mother, sister)


Katy said...

It is a whole lot to go through and think about and I can't even imagine it right now. holy MOLY! ALthough I haven't had one myself, I am a nurse and know how that whole birthing thing works. I've worked in postpartum so have helped with breastfeeding as well so shoot me an e-mail with any questions! ;-)


Unknown said...

Hey I'm sure you'll do fine! Every woman is born with maternal instincts :-) You'll make a wonderful mother and I mean it!

Ashley said...

You'll be a great Mom! And you'll be shocked at how naturally birthing and Mothering comes. When giving birth you discover this inner strength you never even knew existed inside of you. And with Motherhood, the best advice I ever got was to trust my instincts. They're pretty great!

Hilary Lemon said...

Oh, the guilt, the guilt!

I'm sorry if I stressed you out in any way, dear friend. I just want to make you something but... it'll take me the full 19 weeks left of your pregnancy to finish it, you see.

I'm no mama, but my mom told me just a few weeks ago that the world makes you think your baby needs tons of "gear." Really, your baby needs very little. She needs food, clothes, a few other basic things, and your love! I'm getting more and more excited for you.



Monique said...

To address one of your fears, I hardly feel my little guy move. I also have an anterior placenta. The only time I feel him is around 11pm. I should also point out that it is rare that I am up past 10:30pm- so his nightly breakdancing shows are mostly missed. I had irrational fears that he just isn't mobile and then, pow! he's jab me just over my belly button. I'm 22 weeks, and have no furniture or bedding or anything really. A sign of a great mom, is someone who worries about things like being unprepared (a little something I tell myself to ease those panicky moments).

Unknown said...

You my dear will be an absolutely amazing mother. Not to mention you are one of the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen! It will all be fine, and you will do a great job!

Deveny said...

You'll be just fine! I didn't take any birthing classes & honestly felt I didn't need to spend that money. I didn't have a birthing plan (& would totally advise against one since things rarely turn out perfectly how we want them - why feel guilty?). I just went into it with an open mind & that was how I was able to handle anything coming my way. Which included inducing then morphine for help with nonstop contractions, epidural & then 3 hours of pushing. I don't regret how anything went that day & it honestly was not that hard. And this is coming from a selfproclaimed wimp! :)

Diana Smith said...

i totally know what you mean!! Its pretty crazy being responsible for another persons life. But your motherly instincts WILL kick in. Everything will fall into place (not all at once) and you will be on cloud 9, if not already haha

Anna said...

You are gorgeous! Looks like pregnancy is being nice to you!!

Rachael said...

You look so pretty!
You will be an amazing mother. You can tell.

Lissa Chandler said...

rachel, you will be such a good mom! don't even worry about trying to keep up with what you think you might need to have done. i only used books to look up things that scared me (usually a bad idea) or to look up genuine concerns that i had with my pregnancy. same for infant care. as for birthing classes, we went for a day-long class a few weeks before he was born. and, unless you count a blue wall, max's room definitely doesn't have a color scheme or a theme. it's just a happy little boy's room with books, family heirlooms, spaceships, animals, posters, and photographs of his family. and it's special because it's his, not because i had it planned out perfectly.

being a mom is hard work and it's really not something you can learn from a book. if i've learned anything in the past fourteen months (or nearly two years, counting pregnancy), it's that being a mom means rolling with the punches... and loving your baby more than you ever thought was possible.

you will love it! so be excited. you'll get everything done in time.

sydney b. said...

Oh my heck you are the most adorable pregnant woman! You are going to be such a great mom and teach your kids about the beauty in life!

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