Yesterday was a hard day.
I sat in my doctors office with my mother by my side and the doctor told me what I already knew...
EJ is still breech.
I struggled to hold back my tears and listened to her tell me the options.
We basically have two choices:
try to turn her via External Cephalic Version (which we don't quite feel good about)
My heart sank.
Having a c-section is everything I did not want in this birth. Its not about having a scar and its not even about being scared to go through a surgery, although I'm not too excited about that either.
It is about my right as a woman.
I was made for this. My body was made for this. I have always imagined the moment of bringing my sweet babies in to the world as the end result of laboring and working so hard to get their little bodies out of me. I imagined being sweaty and being cheered on with my husband by my side and showing the world that I am a warrior woman who can do anything. It is about years of dreaming of that moment only now to have it changed. It is about using my body exactly the way my Heavenly Father intended for it to be used.
Now, that choice is not mine and I am sad.
After we left the doctor I was devastated, I cried on the phone to John for a bit. When we got home I received a very timely tender mercy.
In my inbox came this miracle email:
I couldn't believe it. This is the woman who saved my life when I was a near miss SIDS baby, I was only a couple months old when I stopped breathing. She had no idea what had transpired that very day. My heart was comforted and it was exactly what I needed to hear. However Evaleigh CHOOSES to come is ok with me. It is amazing to me how two souls can connect across hundreds of miles. Diane, I can't thank you enough for your words. I love you so.
"remember as long as your little one is healthy how she chooses to come in the world is on her and believe me it is good to be humbled right away, they have a mind of their own. so my dear enjoy and keep us up north warm with your news and your life. your other mom, diane"
So, I spent the rest of the evening reading stories of women who had positive experiences with c section births. This one gives me hope. I am trying to reprogram my thinking and prepare for this experience in a whole new way. I'm not sure how yet, but I am working on a change of heart.
We go for an ultrasound tomorrow to see if the Version is really even an option for us based on EJ's size, the fluid, and the placement of the umbilical cord.
If it is not...it looks like we will have our daughter in 2 weeks.