12.28.2011

not what we had planned.


Yesterday was a hard day.
I sat in my doctors office with my mother by my side and the doctor told me what I already knew...
EJ is still breech.
I struggled to hold back my tears and listened to her tell me the options.  
We basically have two choices:


try to turn her via External Cephalic Version (which we don't quite feel good about)
or
a C-section


My heart sank.


Having a c-section is everything I did not want in this birth.  Its not about having a scar and its not even about being scared to go through a surgery, although I'm not too excited about that either.  
It is about my right as a woman.
I was made for this.  My body was made for this.  I have always imagined the moment of bringing my sweet babies in to the world as the end result of laboring and working so hard to get their little bodies out of me.  I imagined being sweaty and being cheered on with my husband by my side and showing the world that I am a warrior woman who can do anything.  It is about years of dreaming of that moment only now to have it changed.  It is about using my body exactly the way my Heavenly Father intended for it to be used.
Now, that choice is not mine and I am sad.


After we left the doctor I was devastated, I cried on the phone to John for a bit.  When we got home I received a very timely tender mercy.
In my inbox came this miracle email:
"remember as long as your little one is healthy how she chooses to come in the world is on her and believe me it is good to be humbled right away, they have a mind of their own.  so my dear enjoy and keep us up north warm with your news and your life.  your other mom, diane"
I couldn't believe it.  This is the woman who saved my life when I was a near miss SIDS baby, I was only a couple months old when I stopped breathing.  She had no idea what had transpired that very day.  My heart was comforted and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  However Evaleigh CHOOSES to come is ok with me.  It is amazing to me how two souls can connect across hundreds of miles.  Diane, I can't thank you enough for your words.  I love you so.


So, I spent the rest of the evening reading stories of women who had positive experiences with c section births. This one gives me hope.  I am trying to reprogram my thinking and prepare for this experience in a whole new way.  I'm not sure how yet, but I am working on a change of heart.  
We go for an ultrasound tomorrow to see if the Version is really even an option for us based on EJ's size, the fluid, and the placement of the umbilical cord.  


If it is not...it looks like we will have our daughter in 2 weeks.

25 comments:

Connie said...

Oh Rachel! I feel for you! But, I can feel that you are at peace, and that makes me so happy! It's funny how things go differently than we picture... but it all works out! I heard once that being on your hands and knees helps the baby get in position for birth but that could be an old wives tale. Just thought I'd share, just in case! C-section or not this birth will be beautiful and sounds like you have a lot of support there. I'm so excited for you! (HOW SCARY that you were a near miss SIDS baby! That is my worst nightmare! What a miracle.)

~M~ said...

I had an emergency c section this September due to my son's dropping heart rate. Hearing your baby cry or the first time is a moment you will cherish forever. The moment they show you your baby over the curtain your heart will feel so full of love it will feel like it could burst. Then your husband brings over your sweet new baby and you can kiss her all over her little face. Plus a c section is major abdominal surgery so you have an excuse to stay in bed for a month and just snuggle with your baby. I had a very hard time not getting the labor that I wanted. Now I view it as my first lesson as a mother. It isn't all about me or what I want. Top priority is having a healthy baby. Don't devalue your delivery because it is a c section and not vaginal. You are still doing something so strong and amazing :)

Deveny said...

What a thoughtful lady! Heavenly Father really does look out for us & knows what we need - especially those special people who touch us when we need it the most.
I guess a hidden blessing there is at least you know exactly when you'll get to finally meet EJ & she's healthy - no matter how they come, babies are AMAZING and WONDERFUL. <3

Shelley Bear said...

Dearest John and Rachel, I went through, 3 full days and nights of the hardest labor to give birth to the father of EJ and then he was taken by emergency c-section. I would much rather have known ahead of time that he was going to be coming that way! It would have been much easier on him and I both! However, he is a wonderful son, and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father chose to send him to me to love and raise! I know EJ will be a beautiful blessing too! Whatever sacrifices we as mother's have to make, to give birth to these little souls, are worth everything we go through and will continue to go through for their sakes, as we raise them!
I know that you know that my love and prayers are with you always, as you prepare to bring one of God's greatest gifts into your lives! I just wish I could be there with you to welcome her home!
love and miss you much....Mama Shelley

Grace Katrina Nielsen said...

I so sorry that you are going thru this hard time with some big decisions. But just be grateful that you are able to have children. Yeah it's scary but at least you know that after all the tears and scariness, you will have someone who is yours, made with someone you love. Some of us can't have children and would do anything to be in your shoes.

Grace Katrina Nielsen said...

I so sorry that you are going thru this hard time with some big decisions. But just be grateful that you are able to have children. Yeah it's scary but at least you know that after all the tears and scariness, you will have someone who is yours, made with someone you love. Some of us can't have children and would do anything to be in your shoes.

April Rowell said...

I know this is what you have wanted your whole life but remember HIS plan is far better than ours. Just give it to HIM and comfort will envelope you :)

Meredith said...

the Lord works in mysterious ways, and everything happens for a reason. {i know, it's cliche. but it's so true.}
you will look back one day and understand it all.
remember, it's about your little one. it's about the safest, smartest, best way to bring her into this world.
birth is just the first step. you'll have plenty of opportunities to show your womanly rights after this kid is born ;)
i hope everything goes well!
i will be praying for you.

Faith said...

i am so sorry to hear that you are going through this but i am glad that you have a Diane in your life. God knows we all need a Diane in our lives.

Monique said...

Either way you look at it, EJ will soon be in your arms and not in your tummy. That joyous feeling will overcome any other qualms about how she came into the world. She is a very lucky little baby to have such a very loving family. PS you get to know just when she will come too! My waiting and guessing game is driving me bananas!

Jessica Holly said...

ah! You're in my prayers! I can't imagine how hard that would be, but I don't think you're any less of a woman :)

Kendra said...

Such beautiful comments have already been left and I echo their words. I'm praying for you!

For the Love of French said...

I can feel you are bit more at ease thanks to the tender mercies of the Lord, but may I ask? Why not attempt the birth breech? I understand that it isn't a easy, but thousands of children have been birthed breech without c-section, my cousin being one of them. I was just wondering if that was even an option. You are a brave woman either way, and this is a hard decision/moment. I am on your side no matter what happens because the outcome out weighs how the baby arrives. To be able to hold her and know that you and her are safe is the most important thing.

emily day. said...

love you miss rachel. i know no matter what may scar you, you will remain the beautiful person you are. i will pray for you and john and evaleigh. :)

and i am so glad you have little miracles in life to help you get through the rough patches.

Autumn said...

I have never been in your situation, but I know that God answers even our sometimes unsaid prayers through other people. Regardless of how she comes, I'm sure she will be the biggest blessing.

.burlap and twine. said...

You put into words what I've never been able to. Beautiful post. I pray that you are able to make peace with your decision and wish you a happy and healthy delivery. I hope you don't mind that I shared your post on my blog here:

http://burlapntwine.blogspot.com/2011/12/thoughts-on-c-section.html

Ashley

Nurse-to-be said...

Rachel,

For what it's worth from someone who has never been pregnant (yet), I think you and John are brave and courageous warriors just for taking on the responsibility of being parents. You are brave for making the lifelong commitment to raise and nurture your tiny angel, and there will be plenty of battles to fight in the future. And it takes courage to weigh the options and make the best (but not always easiest) decisions for your tiny daughter. You two are going to make wonderful parents, so keep your chin up and celebrate Evaleigh's life, and your life together as a family.

Love and prayers,
Karee

The Every Day Extraordinary said...

Rachel,

My third and final baby was a c-section. She was breech and we did the External Version since I was a pretty good candidate with my previous births...unfortunately, it was painful--I almost had to be delivered there at that moment--and because of my low fluid I was placed in the hospital a week later and delivered three and a half weeks early--none of which was my plan--it wasn't what I had wanted but it was what it was. She is here and healthy--although hip dysplacia was an issue for a year due to her positioning in the womb-- hang in there. Prayers that the experience is a positive one by whatever means your baby gets here. I can relate to your disappointment but now I only remember joy. You will too--one day!!

Margarita said...

If Little EJ is breech please do not attempt a breech delivery. So many complications can occur, and just because For the love of French has a cousin that had a breech delivery that went great doesn't mean they all go that way. Prayers for you and the little one. <3

Ashley Terry said...

When I had Savannah, I had also planned for a natural birth. A c-section was the last thing I wanted and I was pretty much devestated when they told me that was the safest way to have her delivered. They scheduled the surgery for 2 days later and I panicked. I was nervous and upset at the time, but once she was born, all that mattered is that she was there and she was healthy. It's hard when life doesnt go as we planned, but your sweet girl will be here soon and when you hold her, nothing else matters!! You are a beautiful and strong woman and mother, and doing what is best for her is the perfect proof of that! sending prayers and excitement your way :)

Margarita said...

I wanted to ad that I am a breech baby myself, a surprise twin. That was back in 1979 though. Things are different now.

Tunes and Spoons said...

Marie Rogers Russell C-section may not be what you wanted, but you are learning early that life with children is unpredictable. My greatest joys and frustrations come from my children. It will be alright, EJ will come into this world as intended and make this world a better place because of the parents that Heavenly Father choose for her to come too.

Yvonne Canchola Keeping you in my thoughts. I completely understand where you're coming from with your expectations. But the most important part is that she's safe and that you're both healthy. You have already done a lot of work for her these nine months and will continue to do so. I know it's not what you planned, but whichever way she's born, she's a miracle!

Teresa Powell ‎*HUGS*

Makayla Girodat Love you sister! I feel for you! Just get her here healthy and everything after that can be tolerated :)

Helen Murphy I normally don't comment on your post but just had to with particular one. Both of my children are from a c-section so I completely understand what you are going thru. Rachel, no matter how she comes, she came from your body...you felt every kick, hiccup...that lil girl is part of you both. How awesome of God to always know what we need even when we think we have all the answers....it may not bewhat you want but ot is definitely what you need!

Betsy Marshall Rachel, Valerie was a c section but the othe two were not. I understand how you feel. We will be praying for you !

Rachel Murphy Thanks so much everybody.

Helen, I really like what you said, and I never thought of it that way. That really makes me feel better.

Love to all of you!!!

Janelle Wiley Hanson Not to be insensitive because I would be upset myself, but just think, the good part of a c-section is no cone head for the baby! =)

Marlene Foster Beau had to be turned! Not sure what the process would be like for you but it worked out well for us. Either way, God loves you, and Ej too!

Rachel Murphy Haha Janelle Wiley Hanson!!! That just what John said!

Samantha Rae Our mothers really are the best. This past weekend I taught my boyfriend's nephew how to make fairy houses like your mother used to do with us and I remembered how much fun we used to have running wild in the woods. Miss you and good luck!

Clarise Pedersen ditto to all the encouragement that was given. babies are always humbling their mommas by teaching us understanding and patience! good luck! my heart feels yours!

Bekki Gauntt I had to have a c-section also due to pre-eclampsia which was definitely not my plan.. but it was still amazing to hear his little cry and know that I was his home for so many months. It will still be the greatest moment of your life :)

Tunes and Spoons said...

Joel A. Martin I am not a woman so I cannot possibly know the inner workings of a mother-to-be confronted with such decisions, however, as a person who loves life and all that it means, having a little person enter your life is such an amazing, beautiful event in your life, it really does not matter how your "person of great personal interest" comes as long as the baby is healthy and happy, and YOU are healthy and happy. The bonding between you and your baby started many months ago, and that bond will continue to grow no matter what goes on in life. SO, enjoy each and every moment of every day. There is nothing like the first time, and if you are lucky/blessed to have more children, it gets better and better, different but just as magical. And lastly, God delivers the goods so keep Him first. Everything else will follow. Peace!

Shelley Mundell Bear Rachel, you and John are healthy and happy and have the spriitual, and physical strength to get through any trial! Perhaps EJ wants to follow in her father's footsteps in the way she makes her grand entrance to her loving parents arms! I am grateful that you will not have to go through the 3 days of hard labor to get her here before the c-section, as I did with her father! I think c-cections are much easier on the baby, so she will enter this world without the stress of being forced through the birth canal, which as I told John means a more beautiful head! :) You know that my prayers and love are with you always.....Mama Shelley

Jennifer Autry Love you girl. Don't worry, the pains you feel afterward will more than make up for the lack of labor :P. Also, Get a blessing from your dear sweet husband. No matter happens, it is a great lesson to learn that we don't have power over many things and they don't happen the way we expect. I wish I was there to hug you and commisserate....I totally know how you feel. Nothing turned out the way I planned. Great description of how it feels though. I had much the same plans.

Allyson Smyth To be honest, I would choose a C section any day! Ive had to deliver all natural & on pain meds but all times vaginal! I tore all times! Was in so much pain I couldnt even hold my child for the first 10 mins, not to mention you are sooo tired afterwards that all you want to do is sleep for hours none stop. I think there is always a good & bad to both sides. But all my girlfriends that had c-sections, I cant even see the scar & there was hardly no pain & no vaginal recovery! OH! & I didnt even go into detail about how much pain you are in when you use the bathroom afterwards! Its like labor all over again!

Allyson Smyth and they wont let you leave the hospital till you make a BM, which I always lie & tell em I have, but im always too scared to! Its all kinda scary but definetly worth it in the end. But atleast if you get a c section, your husband wont see you poop on yourself from pushing so hard :)

Tunes and Spoons said...

Kim Clark Embry Sweet Rachel,

Kim Clark Embry I was dissapointed too when I had to have an emergency c-section with Stephen, but it all turned out great and trust me, either way you are a mom! All 5 of mine ended up being born by c-section and I am just so grateful that medical science allowed them to all get here safely. It is OK to be disappointed, but I promise that will fade away when you hold that swee baby girl in your arms and all that will matter is that she is here with you!

Helen Murphy allyson, with a c-section- i had to do a bm in front of the nurse, but every hospital has its own rules, lol

Helen Murphy totally tmi.... but thought you like to know, lol......my hubby saw them sew me up......made him really appreciate the process that i endured during and after recovery.

Rachel Murphy Hahaha, Allyson...leave it to you to tell me how it is!!!!

Allyson Smyth lol, Well its definetly not like they show in the movies! & I had to find out the hard way, I was like, How come no one talks about this!!? I pretty much lost all my dignity by my 2nd child, lol

Karen Thomas I am sorry that you are not getting your dream, but that you have found peace. The only thing I will say is go take a class. they should talk about C-sections and how to make them exciting and what you and your husband can be involved with. I know that I teach them that way. I love C-sections. They are different but very exciting and emotional. Every birth is different. I love you.

Allyson Smyth Just stay positive :) atleast you don't have to wait hours & hours till you are dialated to 10 & c-section babys always look so perfect, no smushed faces or cone heads or bruising from the birth cannal. I cant wait to see pictures! :) I keep checking to see if you've had her yet!

Paige Hood I love Diane's words...so true! EJ is making her choice and teaching you, her mom, in the process. Much love

Kieren said...

You are going to be amazing! The moment you first see your baby girl will be the best moment of your life so far. Your body is awesome for creating and growing a perfect being. And if you end up breast feeding, you will be in awe of your body's power to nourish and nurture. Even without any of those things, the late nights and service you provide to your child will make you feel like the strongest (and most blessed) person in the world.

I wish you all the best, a beautiful birth experience, and a healthy mom and baby. Get ready for the best thing ever: motherhood! There's nothing better!

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