This morning as I stood over my waffles and buttered them up, I cried.
Perhaps it was a wave of pregnancy hormones or perhaps it was that I got syrup on my shirt but it was a cry that needed to come out.
This year the holidays are going to be different. I'm not quite sure how to handle them yet.
Since my parents divorce this year I have tried to be quite strong. The fact that we will not all be together completely as a family again is staring me in the face, especially during this time of year.
No matter what, someone will be alone.
No matter what someone will have their feelings hurt.
As a tender-hearted person I can hardly let this fact enter my mind without pain.
My sister and I have gone round and round about how to do the holidays this year so that things can go as smoothly as possible. It is all of the sudden so complicated, there are so many feelings and tender emotions involved.
Suddenly traditions have become a little painful and we are earnestly trying to create new joyful things to do.
Parents dating, people moving on, new faces and personalities to get used to...I didn't ever expect for these things to join our lives.
Then in the midst of all of this worry and fear of the unknown something important surfaced in my mind.
I have one thing to truly concern myself with.
John, Rachel, and Evaleigh.
Something my brother Steve told me when my parents were first divorcing was that once you are married you start a new unit. Your family is then your husband and the children that come along.
After you create that unit, that is the most important thing you have.
I am finding this now to be ever so true.
There will always be turmoil and trial outside of our little family of 3, and undoubtedly in due time inside our family too, but I mustn't let these other things consume me.
I am happy, John is happy, and after seeing a sweet smile on EJ's face yesterday during her ultrasound, I know that she is happy too. We are going to give her the best home and the best love that we know how. We will learn as we go and try to always tell her how beautiful she is and how much we love and cherish her.
Sure, this year will be different but everything is going to be ok.
I am full of hope.