rubber band heart

Last night I finally got out.  

By my self.  

It was both the worst thing and the best thing.  

John insisted that I go after I had a bit of a break down.  Yesterday morning was my first time with Evaleigh all by my self (that is until my sister came to my rescue at 1:00).  She cried all morning and I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  It was wearing and I was feeling very inadequate.  However, I am continually amazed at the increased patience that I have for this little girl because she is mine and I love her so.

So around 7:30pm I mustered up a lot of courage to make the trek to Target.  My mother drove me because I had just popped a Percocet.  

I kissed my girlie and husband goodbye and stared at them both longingly as if I would be gone for weeks.  I looked at him and said with tear filled eyes, "You know this is my first time without her, and I'm not just talking about the two weeks she has been born.  This is the first time in 10 months I will be without her."  He assured me I would be ok and that this little trip was really something I needed. So, I summoned my stronger self, agreed, and went out the door.  I cried almost the whole way to Target while my mother offered up beautiful words of encouragement and advice.  

Now that Evaleigh is born, a piece of my heart lives outside of my body.  It is as if there is a rubber band connecting my heart to hers.  I am constantly aware of her little being and where she is.  The further we drove the more tension I felt in the distance we were stretching a part.  My heart was longing to snap right back to hers.

When we got to Target my mother dropped me off at the front like I was a middle schooler and told me to go in alone and take as much time as I'd like.  In my head I thought, "Sure mom, I'm here for Hydrogen Peroxide and that's it.  Se ya in 5, I've got a newborn to get back to!"  I walked through those glorious Target doors and instantly felt at home.  It was as if the automatic doors sprung open for me, wind rushed through my hair, and the light shone round about me.  AHHHHH! Target is a form of therapy.  No matter what I can always count on a stroll through there to get me through.

I set off to find the Peroxide.  As I was walking down the aisles all I could see were mothers and daughters everywhere.  Where did they all come from?  It was like they were taunting me.  "I love you mommy!"  "I love you too sweetheart!"  Seriously??  Where were all of the unruly children screaming and acting out?  There were sweet smiling babies cooing at their mothers and little girls bouncing next to their mothers chatting and giggling.  I stood in the hair bow aisle in a puddle of my own tears.  I must have looked pretty crazy.

Once I finally regained composure, my trip to acquire an .82 cent bottle of peroxide turned into an indulgent shopping spree.  I left with ice cream, chocolates, some soda, a laundry basket for Ev, shampoo and conditioner, 3 different breakfast items, diapers and wipes.  

Then all of the sudden I felt normal again.  My 5 minute in-and-out turned in to an hour of "me time".  John was completely right.  That little trip turned out to be just what I needed.  I came home feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.  

My rubber band snapped right back and my heart was just where it belonged.